The populations on this planet have never been numerically more than any moment in the past. Therefore, lack of housing emerged as one of the predominant problems we are facing in modern city. One of the available options to accommodate these vast numbers of people is building more and more properties, which does not sound complicated. However, there are only limited space for housing in city areas. As a result, majority of construction projects began turning to rural areas that are is not as fully packed as those cities are at present.
However, some people speak out that preserving countryside is way more (여기는 구어체입니다. 한국어로 치면, '완전 중요하다' 라는 표현에서 '완전' 과 비슷하다고 보시면 돼요. Giller님의 실력이면 알아서 더 나은 표현을 찾으실 수 있을 거라, 따로 건드리지는 않겠습니다! 문어체로 바꿔주세요!) important than overcoming housing deficit. Whereas I partially agree with this idea, I cannot stand for the position where keeping nature intact outweighs housing of mankind. As all we believe, housing is essential part of our lives since we cannot sustain our daily life without homes. ))))))))))))) (<-이 부분에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
The desirable way I come up with to solve this difficulty is to keep the balance between preservation and development by eliminating detrimental impacts on rural areas when forming blocks of new properties. First of all, the demand for new houses should be clear. Only the The numbers of housing that we only need must be created. It can be carried carry out with administrative support from government and city council. Secondly, sustainable materials and technologies which can keep the damage towards countryside to a minimum should be used.
When it comes to implementing housing projects, both voices from house demander and locals are identically critical. By conducting hearings, demand research based on democracy procedures, I strongly believe the answer will be found as human beings have been having plenty of complicated problems fixed.
총평: (6/7/8/7) 7.0
일단 지금으로써도 충분히 잘 쓰인 글이긴 한데, 사실 Giller님의 뛰어난 영어 실력을 고려했을 때 구조만 조금 개선되면 7.5나 8점대도 충분히 가능할 거라 조금 아쉽긴 합니다.
지금 구조만 약간 수정해주면 되는데, 현재 글의 경우 서두가 너무 깁니다. 문단의 중요도를 굳이 나누면 본론>>>>>>>>>>>>>>결론>>서론 순이 되는데, 지금 글은 서론이 제일 길뿐더러, 심지어 제가 파란색 표시해드린 두 번째 문단까지가 사실상 서두라고 봐야돼서, 실질적인 본론이 그렇게 많지는 않은 상황이에요.
이러한 부분에 주목해서 본론을 조금 늘리고 서두를 간추리면 더 좋은 점수도 금방 받을 겁니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)