It is true that most people’s weight is on the increase are more and more growing up and their health and the amount of exercise have
declined in recent years. In this essay, I will represent the above issue and
suggest several solutions.
First and foremost, the average weight of
people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing in
some countries. This is because people have spent many times been living a sedentary life in
their school or workplace. Actually, most students spent a lot of time in
school and most of the time, they almost sit down and attend their class in many countries. What
is more, one of the apparent reasons is that the cutting-edge-development nowadays.
For example, generally, people used to clean the house with a vacuum with a cord line before but most of them
use a robot vacuum recently, and when people wash the dishes, they utilize
washing machine for dishes in the house. Furthermore, the public drive a private own
car when they go to the company, house or even nearby market. These phenomena are
able to cause higher weight than the average one and lead to a low level of our health.
To solve this problem, individual and governmental efforts are needed it needs an individual’
and government’ effort. In school, physical education should be increased, and
it would be able to play a significant rule for their student health. When it
comes to companies, they are likely to recommend doing exercise, and they should
make gyms in each company. Also, the government should build parks of playgrounds
with health equipment in each small town. These ways would lead to people to do
work out and change to average weight, and improve their health condition.
In conclusion, despite the fact that
people’s average weight is rising than before and their health conditions are
more and more decreasing these days, it can be resolved by constructing parks
with the health system, making more exercising class and by offering gym in firms.
50분 정도 걸렸어요.. 항상감사합니다.
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
이정도면 task2에서 충분히 6.0은 받으실 수 있습니다. 문법이 조금씩 좋아지고 있는 점이 제일 긍정적이네요. 그래도 여기서 만족해서는 안 되고, 문법은 시험 전날까지 꾸준히 해주세요!
이제 시험이 슬슬 오고 있기 때문에, 시간 단축에도 신경써주셔야 합니다. 앞서 제가 6.0이 충분하다고 말씀드린 건 40분 내에 작성되었을 시의 얘기이고요. 한번에 2분씩만 줄인다고 생각하고 작성해보시고,+내용을 너무 길게 쓸 필요 없습니다. 예를 들면 지금 본론1도 예시가 이렇게 많이 들어갈 필요는 없어요.
수고하셨습니다 :)