People are less fit and active nowadays than in the past. What are the reasons for this? What measures can be taken to fix this?
It is true that a colossal number of individuals are not much healthier compared to the last decade for some reasons. However, there are many solutions that can solve this negative trend.
Many individuals are less energetic and dynamic these
days than in the past. In terms of development of new technology, although it
has made people’s life very comfortable in some fields, it also has had
detrimental impacts on the level of human health. For instance, food ordering
applications like Yogiyo are affecting to a rise in the obesity rate because
people can order manifold foods with just a few taps even without having to go going outside. In addition, a comfortable transport system also has made people less active and healthy. It
is quite common to see those who are riding state-of-the-art transport equipment
such as electronic kickboard on the streets. Therefore, If if someone uses it
instead of walking every day especially when they go to school or work, they
are likely to feel exhausted and tired due to a lack of exercise.
In spite of several reasons described above, fortunately,
there are various types of solutions. Firstly, governments need to create a ‘lock
down’ policy. To be more precise, it means that people can only utilize food
ordering application at least once a week. By doing so, it could slump the rate
of obesity and make people active and energetic by reducing the intake of high
calorie foods. At the same time, to encourage people to exercise instead of
using electronic transport equipment, it is significant to change people’s mind
set. Therefore, if officials hold many different campaigns like walkathons and
marathons in the local neighborhood from time to
time, citizens who are not healthy enough heathy are likely to participate in the
campaigns with interest and curiosity. After all, these campaigns would
naturally aid people to be more active and energetic.
To wrap it all up, although nowadays many people are suffering from unhealthy life caused by various factors, there are plenty of measures that could be conducive to people’s fitness.
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1. 6.5 가 목표입니다 !
2. 10월 10일날 꼭 졸업하겠습니다 ㅎ
3. 336자이구요. 39분 소요 되었습니다.
* 저번에 말씀해주신 원인과 해결책이 대응 해야된다고 하신것을 깜빡하고 있다가 본론1 (원인) 을 다쓰고 갑자기 생각이나서 본론 2( 해결책 )를 쓸 때 본론1 (원인 ) 과 매칭시킨다고 좀 억지 스러운 내용이 써졌네요 :( 다음에는 쓰기전에 철저한 plan 가지고 쓰겠습니다!
-> 네 양산님, 말씀해주신대로 본론2의 해결책은 초반부가 조금(많이) 억지이긴 합니다. 그러나, 지금 글은 다른 부분이 깔끔하기 때문에 6.5는 당연히 받습니다. 또한, 제가 말씀드린 대응 관련 내용도 사실 7.0 이상에서나 중요하기 때문에 너무 걱정하실 필요는 없어요~
감사합니다~
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
내용 관련해서는 조금 아쉽긴 했지만, 그래도 다른 영역에서 만회는 다 했기 때문에 7.0, 아무리 못해도 6.5는 받아갈 겁니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)