When a country develops its technology,
the traditional skills and ways of life die out. It is pointless to try and
keep them alive. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
There is a disagreement regarding the issue
of whether or not it is useless to try and keep traditional skills and ways of
life in current days due to the development of technology development. Some people assert that we
should preserve conventional skills and ways whereas others disagree with it.
Personally, I support the latter for two reasons.
Firstly, it is obvious that as technology
has been developed, companies can massively produce various goods in factories.
Because corporations have reduced the costs of producing, so many products like
foods, clothes were able to be supplied for many people inexpensively. As a
result, the quality of life in people has been improved and absolute poverty
also has been decreased. Therefore, we should invest more money and resources towards in modern technology than traditional skills and ways, to enhance people’s life.
Second, it is well known that technology
has progressed diverse machines, so many incorporations are using them to make
their products. Nowadays, as a number of factories are automized, so machines
are replacing people and it reduces the costs of production for companies.
Thus, corporations can save a lot of money on laborers, instead, they can
invest in other areas. Also, machines have decreased errors and mistakes when
they make products compared to human beings. Therefore, developing technology
is more beneficial for companies than keeping conventional skills. (여기의 경우 이 자체만으로는 크게 문제가 없습니다. 그러나, 위의 내용과 기본적으로 '상공업' 관련 대주제에서 비슷하다는 점, 그리고 논제의 traditional skills and ways가 굳이 상공업에만 한정되지 않는다는 점에서 가급적이면 아예 다른 내용으로 바꿔주시는 게 좋아요. 문화 관련해서 적는 것도 괜찮을 겁니다.)
In conclusion, I insist that people should
more focus on progressing technology than preserving traditional skills because
it has enhanced people’s lives and is beneficial for corporations in regard to
reducing the costs of productions.
총평: (6/7/7/7) 7.0
기본적으로 깔끔하게 적어주신 편이긴 합니다. 빨간 부분이 그리 많지 않다는 점이 이를 뒷받침하죠. 대신 본론 둘 중 하나는 아예 다른 내용으로 바꾸는 걸 권장드리고요. 혹시라도 있을 중복의 여지는 최대한 피해주시는 게 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)