Q ; All over the world, the number of overweight people is growing. What do you feel are the main causes of this? What are the effects?
There has been a controversial issue over how to deal with the (참고로 the가 들어가도 아예 틀린 건 아닙니다. 고로 관사는 그냥 참고로만 보세요~어차피 해봤자 크게 늘지 않는 영역이기 때문에, 그 시간에 스피킹에 집중하는 게 낫습니다.) obesity in our society. Not only some people argue that our complex circumstance will affect to our health badly, but also others claim that their eating habits are closely connected with their body. In my opinion, I completely agree with that overweight people is becoming increasingly more and more all over the world and we need to solve this huge problem with some steps. (초록색 친구들은 밑에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
To begin with, there are lots of reasons which cause obesity are affect to overweight. One of them is that a large number of fast food restaurants have came up comes up near us, due to the development in by affecting modern society. Furthermore, some various retort foods take up our daily food because workers and students are very busy to take the good meals. From this not good environment, people are struggling to take enough exercise in time. (건강한 식단을 챙기기도 어렵다~라고 써주시면 금상첨화입니다.)
As a result, most of effects on obesity come from the lack of exercise. First of all, people are able to get various adult diseases which are diabetes, high blood pressure and so on. The older people grow, the more diseases people gain get. In addition, most of overweight people have their habitual overeating. Besides, in findings of this phenomenon, the worst thing from parent’s obesity it can be inherited (이 단어는 외워두세요!) that it is contribute to their children with a fat gene.
In short, a lot of people debated this social issue related to health problems and various plans seem to have good aspects to seize this environment. From my perspectives, I would be confident that it is important to make a prevention which is taking enough exercise, balance of eating and so forth, concerning that people and our society will benefit from it.
총 282단어
시간 43분
various를 대체할 단어가 생각이 안나서 그냥 똑같이 썼어요
그리고 중간에 사전도 참고했습니다 ㅠㅠ
시간때문에 글자수를 줄였는데 시간이 도통 줄지를 않아요
첨삭 감사합니다~
총평: (6/6/6/6) 6.0
문법이 살짝 불안불안하긴 했지만, 기본적으로 구조 자체가 깔끔한 편이라서, 사실 초록 문장만 아니었어도 6.5도 가능했을 글이라 조금 아쉽네요.
글을 쓸 때에는 철저히 논제가 요구하는 사항만 다룰 수 있어야 합니다. 이 글에서는 원인과 영향을 요구했죠. 그러면 글 내내 원인과 영향 관해서만 적어주시면 돼요. 여기를 더 넘어서 자의적으로 해결 관련해서 다루면 월권행위가 되므로 주의해주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)