▶ Your Answer :
Nowadays, many nations have been concerned about rising obesity rates on citizens. I think there are various causes and proper ways to figure out this problem. (Need better transition) (조금 더 주제와 관련 된 topic sentence를 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 physically impacted라고 해주시거나 impacted to have higher obesity rates and low health levels라고 해주실 수 있습니다)> It is true that in modern society people have been impacted as everything have been changed unlike the past such as appearance of electronic devices and changed work place. Firstly, these days most of people spend their time on work and it contributes to the life habit of people which have a possibility for obesity. For instance, in South Korea employees usually work during 10 hours per day, thus when they come back to home, they tend to do nothing because of the tough work environment. <(이것이 어떻게 obesity나 level of health or fitness가 decrease 하는 것에 contribute하는지 연결을 시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) Secondly, actually, development of electronic products also affects on this trouble because at the moment many a lot of people prefer to do indoors activities like playing video games or internet games. Finally, there is not enough place where people can enter easily to exercise and ot to enjoy their simple outdoor activities in the busy cities, hence people have become to be far from working out. I believe that there are measures to settle the increase of average weight of people by changing situations and the environment where we are in now. First of all, the government should force the companies which are strict to work hard to offer more vacations for employees’ health. In addition, they can also encourage people to work out by advertising simple exercises such as exercise of muscles because many people who are not interested in exercising have no idea even an easy action thus it makes them be reluctant to try <(unclear). Furthermore, the broadcasting companies can make that people are willing to work out if they create entertainments programs related with exercising with popular stars. For example, a channel which usually prefers to broadcast with famous celebrities made a program that shows how people can work out easily at home and after then, many people have started to be interested in indoors workout. In conclusion, even though this problem about growth of obesity rate is one of the serious problems, I think we can cope with this by adapting various measures.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 주제는 obesity외에 level of health and fitness도 포함 되기 때문에 이에 대해서도 서술해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 silly mistakes에 주의를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 글을 작성하신 후 꼭 proofreading을 하셔서 어색하게 들리는 부분은 고쳐주시면 좋습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |