▶ Your Answer : Experts have argued about what time is the most proper for children to learn a second language for a long time. In my opinion, if kids learn it at primary school, there are more strengths than drawbacks. Nowadays, most of education institutions have recommended to teach children a the second language as a compulsory education course from primary school. Along with this, students can learn since they are young and accept this easily by being offered opportunity to everyone.<(unclear) Moreover, studying other language leads to interest in other related courses, so it also helpful to their education attitude. For example, kids in primary school also start to learn history and other countries’ culture, hence they feel interested about all of them by learning relevant subjects. On the other hand, it also makes children confused because they also need to keep learning their mother tongue. Nevertheless, I believe learning a foreign language as soon as possible is advantageous. Because children can try to practice without hesitation with their friends, thus they are able to be familiar with a second language easily. Furthermore, even if they go to secondary school, then they don’t<(formal essay에서는 contraction을 안쓰시는게 좋습니다) have enough time to study it because there are also more various courses, more than before hence it is helpful for their next education process. Additionally, they would have many chances to experience and widen their view of the world thanks to the talent for communicating with foreigners. In conclusion, starting to learn a second language from primary school has both sides, yet my view is that this way would be more beneficial than being detrimental.
Score: 6 Comment: 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Both sides을 서술해주시기 보다는 positive side에 더 focus를 해주셨고 negative side는 문장 하나만 서술을 해주셨습니다. 오히려 body 1 에는 단점을 서술해주시고 body 2에 장점을 서술해주시거 왜 장점이 더 많은지 또는 outweigh하는지 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Body 문단들이 둘다 advantages에 대한 내용이지만 결국엔 같은 장점을 다르게 서술을 해주신 것 처럼 들립니다. 문법상 punctuation/단어형태에 주로 틀리시고 계십니다. 또한 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 일부 표현을 반복적으로 써주시고 계십니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |