In many countries women and men are working full time. It is therefore, logical for women and men to share household works. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In the past, most people thought all the household works were the responsibility of are responsible for women, while men were focused on the study to make constant income for family. Unlike the past, all people work in full time regardless of gender (이 regardless of 라는 표현은 꼭 익혀두세요! 곳곳에서 유용하게 쓰일 겁니다.). Hence, the household responsibility should certainly be is shared with men, and I personally agree with it. In this essay, I am going to discuss about the reason for my agreement.
The first reason is that it is sexual discrimination to divide the roles and responsibilities depend on the gender. Despite all people have their own rights to choose what they want to do, people in the past limited the thing that each gender can do. It is the discriminations and generalization to conclude the ability of each person only with the sex.
Another reason is that the economy of the countries will grow up. (남녀가 가사분담을 한다고, 그 자체로 경제 성장이 있는 건 아닙니다. 가사분담을 하기 때문에 여성들이 가사에 대한 부담이 줄어들면서 일에 더 집중할 수 있을 것이고~~라는 식으로 짜임새있게 적어주셔야 해요. ) Because both men and women are working full time, the average income of the country will become twice of the income when only men works. As the money that each person get increases, perhaps the money cycle including buying and selling become more active, so the amount of tax that is sent to the government rises as well. It is the fundamental step to make a better place to live throughout the world.
In conclusion, I agree that both women and men are working full time and share the household responsibility together, because it is sexual discrimination to limit the choices regard on the gender. Besides, it give positive influence to the economy according to the incremental average income of the country. (여기의 경우도, '부담이 덜해짐에 따라~' 등의 표현이 필수로 들어가야 합니다.)
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
이번 글의 경우 어휘+문법은 괜찮았는데, 이에 비해 본론2에서의 문제가 조금 아쉬웠네요. 물론 이정도로도 6.5는 충분히 받아가기 때문에 괜찮을 겁니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)