The bar graph illustrates the proportion of households owning and renting accommodation in England and Wales over the entire period (이 표현을 쓰게 되면 1920년 등, 표에 없는 연도까지 다 들어가게 됩니다.) from 1918 to 2011.
Overall, it is clear that there were many changes in terms of percentage of households between 1918 and 2011. The the proportion of households in rented accommodation significantly had decreased by 2001, with a slight increase in 2011, whereas that of households in owned accommodation dramatically had risen throughout the period in question.
Looking at the chart more closely, one can see that the share of households in rented accommodation had showed a an downward trend by decreasing from just under 80 percent in 1918 to around 31 percent in 2001. In contrast, the rate of households in owned accommodation dramatically surged during the 93-year periods, overtaking the percentage of households in owned accommodation after 1971. Compared to the share of owned households in 1918, it had expanded by more than threefold by 2001, reaching its highest point of just under 70 percent. Then it experienced a slight decrease at the end of the period. (1971년의 경우 두 수치가 동등함을 보이는 시기이므로 반드시 다뤄주시는 게 좋습니다.)
총 글자수: 178 작성시간: 12분 38초
이번에도 실수가 많네요 ㅠㅠ
목표 점수: 6.0 이상 받아야 하며 목표는 6.5!!
첨삭 감사드립니다 :)
총평: (6/7/6/6) 6.5
일단 적어도 '틀린 건' 거의 없기 때문에 6.0은 당연히 확보합니다만, 보다 안정적인 6.5를 위해서는 어휘와 문장 구조의 다양화를 노리는 게 좋습니다. 지금 모든 문장들이 죄다 the ~ of ~로만 이루어져있죠. 이러한 상황에서 단순히 share를 rate로만 바꾼다고 패러프레이징이 되는 것은 절대 아니기 때문에, 구조 자체를 바꿔보시는 게 좋습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)