The bar chart indicates that the figure of Australian men and women in different age groups doing regular physical activities in 2010.
(제가 해드린 것처럼, 문단을 구분할 때에는 엔터키를 두 번 쳐주시면 됩니다.)
Overall, it is clear that females showed higher numbers the most of female were more doing activities than men in most groups except for the group of 15-24 year olds.
Looking at the bar chart more closely, one can see that people from 45 to 54 years old of women showed the highest percentage, which was 53.3 percent, while 39.5 percent of the men group of 35-44 year olds was the lowest in all the age groups. And (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 않습니다.) also, this group had the biggest gap between women and men. Interestingly, the figures were almost equal in the group of those over the age of 65 65 and over age of group were almost equal to men and women, which were 46.7 and 47.1 percent, respectively.
Furthermore, the proportion of women had increased gradually from 15-24 year olds to 45-54 year olds, but and then fell fall slightly. In the group of men, there was a decrease in deceasing the figure to people from 35 to 44 years old. However, eventually the number rose to 46.7%.
To sum up, both of groups had fluctuated as each different groups in 2010. (Task 1은 결론을 넣기 위해 존재하는 글이 아닙니다. Overview만 잘 적어주시면 돼요.)
소요시간 : 22분
글자수 : 185
목표점수 : 6.5-7.0
스스로 처음 써보는 글입니다!
첨삭 부탁드립니다 :)
총평: (7/6/6/6) 6.5
분석 자체는 어느정도 잘 된 편이라 아슬아슬하게 6.5에 맞춰지는데, 아마 시간 오버된 점도 그렇고, 아직 문법이 완전한 상황은 아니기 때문에 6.0을 주는 채점관들이 훨씬 많을 겁니다. 고로 글을 쓰는 것과 별개로 꼭 문법에 대한 보완은 꾸준히 해주셔야 해요. 특히 7.0도 어느정도 희망하시면 이에 대한 공부 요구량이 더 많아집니다. (7을 깔끔하게 포기할 경우는 조금 줄이셔도 괜찮고요.)
수고하셨습니다 :)