There are many different kinds of news all over the world. Especially In particular at the age like this, smart phones are added as a material to read and watch the news. The significance of the news has been increasing with the development of information technology. And also, some problems concerning the news have been growing. This essay will present my ideas of those. <(질문의 주제 조금 더 관련 있게 조금 더 specific하게 서술을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그저 some problems about news have been growing and I will present my ideas of those라고 해주시면 reader가 무엇을 expect할지 모를수있으며 topic이 너무 broad하게 느껴질 수 있습니다.)
To begin with, it is the main bother of the news editors, if of what kind of topics they should would broadcast or print. I believe that the number of how many people that will watch or read is the most important factor the editors should think/consider. Even if some issues give a huge trauma to the public, the highest rates on the TV are the most impactful way to satisfy the viewers. Since many people have already looked for some more aggressive news by online, I think it is the matter of time before people get used to the worse news. Maybe they already got used to them. In youtube, you can find many a lot of videos which show us killing someone or real car crashes, very easily.<(문단의 unity가 떨어집니다)
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However, the editors, once they make up their mind to choose the good news, it is not that difficult to use them as a material of their news. And people will be happy with them. For instance, everyone likes animals like dogs and cats. We can enjoy that kind of news and the news something about babies it can make people happy because in my view, babies make me innocent, pure and pleased. I also know that this kind of news cannot afford their finance longer <(unclear) so what I am trying to say is if the editors are able to combine the bad news and good news, people are willing to enjoy them with less painful while watching and reading news.
In short, to the news editors, the most weighty factor of all is increasing people who subscribe to their news, and the public are getting exposed to more violent news through the internet, but if there is an effort to try to balance between bad news and good news, we can get to the result that the editors and the people will both be satisfied finally. <(너무 많은 내용을 한 문장으로 정리 해주셨습니다. 그렇기 때문에 흐름이 좋지 않습니다. 오히려 여러 문장으로 나눠서 써주시는게 좋습니다
Score: 5.5
Comment: 전체적으로 organization이 부족합니다. 주제가 조금 다른 두 질문을 두 번째 문단에 답을 해주셨고 세 번째 문단은 갑자기 흐름이 중간에 바뀐 느낌이 듭니다. 내용 정리가 잘 안되어 있으면 흐름이 좋지 않고 무엇을 전달하고자 하는지 clear 하지 않습니다. 또한 하나의 문단에는 하나의 sub topic을 정해서 써주시면 좋습니다. 예를 들어 두 번째 문단의 topic sentence는 how editors choose what to print or broadcast인데 문단 중간에는 갑자기 aggressive news으로 주제가 바꼈습니다. 그리고 연결성이 없이 갑자기 새로운 문단에서 good news에 대한 editors의 결정 에 대해서 써주셨습니다. 하지만 이 내용도 중간에서 내용을 시작 해주신 것 처럼 들립니다. 오히려 첫번째 질문은 한 문단에 그리고 나머지 두 질문을 한문단이나 아니면 각각 따로 한문단으로 답을 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 factors인 만큼 2개 이상의 factors를 써주시는게 좋습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다.