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The given pie
chart delineates the ratio of three different purposes of the water usage in six continents
As a whole,
water use for agriculture shows the highest rate except in two western areas,
Europe and North America which spent water by far the largest (largest는 맞지만, by far the largest 라고 쓰기에는 조금 무리가 있습니다. 특히 북미에서는요.) for commercial needs.
When it comes
to the agricultural usage, it is a dominated segment in Africa, Central Asia
and South East Asia which demand water more than 80% for harvesting in rate
and that of South America also plots a similar trend, 71%. The figure of North
America and Europe are generally alike because North America spent 39%, that
of Europe used 32% of water for agriculture in total. Of the
industrial use, it contributes to Europe and North America as the major
reason for water use 53% and 48% accordingly, whereas it is a peripheral
fragment in other countries which demanded approximately 10% in rate. As to the
domestic use, the percentage of South and
North American, and European nations show 19%, 13% and 15% respectively, and the other continents possessed less
than 10% in the ratio. |
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Grammar |
Vocabulary |
Cohesion and Coherence |
Task Response |
8/9.0 |
8/9.0 |
8/9.0 |
7/9.0 |
감사합니다.
총평: 일단 잘 써주셨고, 특히 간추리기를 잘 해주셨네요.
이제 이번 글의 보편적인 구조를 말씀드릴 건데, 지금 꽁치님께서 사용하신 구조도 절대 틀린 건 아니고 정답이니까, 그냥 '아 보통은 이렇게 쓰는구나' 정도로만 알아두시면 됩니다.
보통은 overview 다음에 문단을 두 개로 나눠서, 1문단에는 북미-유럽의 공통점, 2문단에는 나머지 4대륙의 공통점과 차이점을 다루는 식으로 작성합니다.
대신, 다시한번 말씀드리자면 절대로 꽁치님 문단 구분이 틀렸다는 얘기가 아니며, 그냥 다양한 관점을 소개해드리고자 적는 거니까 참고해주세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)