Q: The Government sometimes infringe on
people’s freedom for the security of society.
Agree/Disagree
I totally agree that governments are able
to prevent someone’s freedom for society’s safety. (여기서 엔터 치지 말고 쭉 이어주세요~이것도 다 점수에 들어갑니다.)
This is because Because, I believe governments have a right
to protect overall benefits in the countries.
First of all, I would like to say talk about the role
of governments in democracy. The meaning of democracy is that every authority
is on the civils. WE We (신문 사설 등을 쓸 때에는 강조를 위해 WE라고 쓰셔도 괜찮지만, 지금은 신문 사설을 쓰는 작업이 아닙니다.), the civil civils, appoint someone to work for us as a representative.
Here, the representative is a government. So (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.), it is not surprising that people who
live in a democratic society expect their government will rule the country
based on the people’s freedom to do anything they want.
Then, what is the meaning of freedom? (얘랑)
People usually think the meaning of freedom is just doing whatever they can do if
they want. But I reckon (얘는 총평에서 말씀드리겟습니다.) that the freedom without its responsibilities is full
of mess. In order to maintain societies, we have to take a responsibility for
what we did. Nowadays, we have had great chances to experience lots of
information over the world and to communicate with tons of people. All of these are
highly relied on one’s private information. In other words, the better technology
has given us more risks to infringe one’s life. Therefore, for the one’s safety
, something has to be done. As laws are the one of the most powerful and effective
way to regulate people, governing civils with the laws is to protect, one rather
than interrupt one, and would be a tool for securities.
By these reasons, I am consent for governments
to regulate people for the sake of protection of freedom.
감사힙니다.
총평: (7/6/6/7) 6.5
일단 지금도 그럭저럭 괜찮은 글인 것은 맞습니다. 기본적으로 kdy님의 경우 영어 베이스가 어느정도 갖춰있는 상황이라, 문법 등이 깔끔했기 때문이죠. 그러나 아직 글을 글과 같이 쓴다기보다, 연설문 대본 쓰듯이 쓰고 있는 점이 조금 아쉬운 상황입니다. 전반적으로 구어체가 많은 편인데, 대표적으로는 본론 첫 번째 문단의 파란 부분들이 이에 해당됩니다. 특히 의문형은 쓰지 않도록 해주세요!
조금 더 문어체만 깔끔하게 갖춰주시면, 적어도 task2에서는 충분히 7점까지는 괜찮을 거에요.
수고하셨습니다 :)