It is observed that lots of people in the world still go
hungry. There are some reasons why this phenomenon has arisen, however measures
could certainly be taken to tackle the problem.
To begin with, there are a couple of reasons why a lot of
people still go hungry. First and foremost, some countries have less effective
education system. For example, students in those countries can not apply what they learn into
practice and come up with their idea because of lack of equipment. Therefore, a huge number of learners struggle with their studies in school. Moreover, a
number of developing countries only invest in agriculture. In fact, people get
low income when they only work in agriculture. To illustrate, a person who works
in agriculture earns low income compare to one who is related to a person who work in science and technology
company.
On the other hand, despite the negative factors mentioned
above, there are several solutions to the problem. First of all, the government
should invest in technology and science parts. In other words, investing (여기도 대체해주시면 좋긴 한데, 사실 7점대에서나의 얘기이고, 6.0에서는 아무런 문제 없습니다.) technology from the government is most effective way to improve economic growth
of a nation. Consequently, the life quality of citizens may increase if the
government give enough subsidy for science and technology studies. In addition,
the government should teach people how to make money by themselves more efficiently.
To be specific, if the government provides a quality vocational training for
people, they will a get job which has higher income. Therefore, people can get
less stress from their incomes and works.
In conclusion, even though investing only in agriculture may
bring about people in hunger some negative effects, it is clear that the government should give enough
subsidy for science, technology, and vocational training.
277 word 6점 목표입니다. 첨삭해주셔서 감사합니다:)
총평: (6/6/6/7) 6.5
원인-해결 유형의 경우 원인과 해결책을 1:1 대응시키는 것이 가장 중요합니다. 그러나 현재 글에는 첫 번째 원인인 교육 관련 해결책이 명시되어있지 않은 상황이라, 이에 대한 추가가 필요하고요. (대신 다른 내용은 삭제되어야겠죠.) 100배 양보해서 In addition 이후 부분이 이에 대한 해결책이라고 볼 수는 있습니다만, 이 경우에도 순서를 바꿔주셔서, 원인 문단과 마찬가지로 In addition 쪽이 먼저 언급되어야합니다. (물론 100배 양보해서 봤을 때 이게 가능한 것이고, 현실적으로는 이렇게 보기 어렵습니다.)
수고하셨습니다 :)