*감사합니다 :-) 저번 피드백에 맞게 아이디어 수를 줄이고 내용이 연결될 수 있도록 해보긴 하였는데요 ㅠ,, 지금 가르쳐주시는 필리핀 선생님이 여러가지 아이디어를 템플릿에 넣어서 하라고 하여,, 일단은 그것에 맞춰 글쓰기 연습을 하고 있어요 ㅠ_ㅠ// 나중에 숙달되면 저만의 방식으로 글을 써야겠어요..! -> 네 행복하자님, 어차피 7점 이상 필요하신 상황도 아니라서, 사실 위의 사항은 크게 중요하지 않습니다. 그냥 편한 방법으로 쓰세요 :)
*목표점수 : 6.5
*시험일 : 10/25
In many countries around the
world, shopping has turned into a form of entertainment rather
than a way of getting what people need. Is it a positive or negative
development?
In today’s world, across nations, spending
has become a kind of leisure activity instead of being a method to acquire a
person’s necessities. As far as I concerned, I believe that this phenomenon
brings disadvantages to society.
Generally speaking, some people have many
reasons to believe that the fact that purchasing morphed into a pastime has
numerous benefits. First and foremost, this phenomenon brings happiness for the
people who like shopping. In particular, those people can be relieved their
stress and be confident more by buying the product they have wanted. Not just
that but also, consumerism can boost economy as activating shopping industry.
Last but not the least, individuals can have a better lifestyle because various
products make people more convenient and enjoyable. (여기는 '부정적이다' 로 바꿔주시면 되는데, 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
On the other hand, I am the opinion that
overspending on material things is more detrimental because it could lead to
environmental pollution. As a matter of fact, manufacturing products makes many
waste matters and by-products, and it causes hazardous environmental problems
such as garbage disposal problem, polluted vegetables and fishes, and air
pollution. In conjunction, because of limited natural resources, the price of
items will be getting higher by making them continuously. In the long run,
individuals who are into shopping can have a financial problem as they make
loans and debts. To illustrate, the number of people who have bad credit history
is getting increased in Korea because they spend a lot of money on luxurious
items even though but they cannot afford to do so.
In conclusion, I still believe that the
buying shopping which changed into a fun activity has demerits for everyone.
총평: (5/6/7/7) 6.5
제가 위에 파란색으로 적어놓은 건 그리 중요하지 않습니다. 대신 지금 말씀드리는 사항은 정말x10000 중요해요. 비법노트 게시판 3페이지에 가시면, 후라이드 vs 양념 이론이라는 제목의 글이 있습니다. 그걸 꼭 한번 정독해보세요! 정말 중요한 사항입니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)