*항상 감사드립니다 선생님!
It is suggested that all the young adults should
undertake a period of unpaid work helping people in the community. Does
it bring more benefits or drawbacks to the community and the young people?
In today’s world, teenagers are encouraged to get involved in voluntary works to help the citizens in their local area. As far as I am concerned, I believe that this phenomenon has positive influences than adverse effects.
In general, some people have many reasons to believe that every young minds ought to experience charity work for their neighborhood. First and foremost, the work can make them exhausted, therefore, they can not concentrate their studies or assignments. In particular, they can make mistakes at the work place because they are young and unskilled. Not only that but also, students can be stressed as they are pressured only to do it and no freedom of choice. Last but not the least, non-paying jobs are wrong concept of work considering that people should get rewarded when they put their labor into the job. (이 문단은 '긍정적이다!' 는 내용으로 채워주시면 됩니다. 이에 대해서는 총평에서 말씀드릴게요.)
On the other hand, I am of the opinion that the idea of spending span of time for doing charity works which helps their (문단에 처음 등장하는 대상이 대명사로 쓰여서는 안 됩니다.) neighbors is more indispensable because they can develop their manners and personality. As a matter of fact, the young people can enhance their social skills through the voluntary work as they experience communicating and dealing with various situations with customers. In conjunction, it is adequate for academic purposes given that the youths can utilize what they learned in school for the work place. In the long run, they experience work life and working skills earlier before they graduate, and as a result, it will be helpful for choosing their future careers for them. To illustrate, Korean students enjoy and have fun with doing the charity work because they can contribute to their society as well as get good credits from it. (이 문장의 경우 앞에서 했던 말에 '한국' 이라는 고유명사만 붙여서 반복하는 것에 지나지 않습니다. 고로 크게 의미는 없어요.)
In conclusion, I still believe that the youth working free-of-charge for a good amount of time to help their neighbors and neighborhood has merits for everyone.
총평: (5/6/7/7) 6.5
지금 어휘 문법이 원채 깔끔해서 점수는 벌어갔지만, 사실 행복하자님의 실력을 고려했을 때 본론1의 문제만 없었다면 7.0도 당연히 받으셔야 해서 다소 아쉽긴 합니다.
비법노트 게시판 3페이지에 가시면 후라이드 vs 양념 이론이라는 글이 있습니다. 그걸 꼭 정독해보시고 내용을 내 것으로 만들어주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)