Students should be primarily taught academic subjects so that they can pass exams, and practical skills such as cooking should not be taught. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
It is mandatory for all students to attend schools for all the students and our priority has been teaching academic subjects rather than practical education such as sports and cooking. Some people hold the belief that the curriculum organisations should completely focus on educating academic study to support schoolers obtain greater marks at school. In this essay, I will speculate and provide my perspective on this matter. (이렇게만 쓰지 마시고, 내 입장이 뭔지 정확하게 밝히고 들어가시면 됩니다.)
Decidely, providing academic focused education has a significant number of values. Initially, being in the first place receiving high marks (한국에서는 공부 관련해서 1등이라고 많이들 하지만, 영어권에서는 그렇지 않습니다.) could present own’s intelligence and this is an worthwhile indicator that allows to judge students’ ability and see the level of their education so that teachers are capable of sorting out smart ones. Besides this, not only for passing tests but life skills, it is a must for kids to be academically intelligent to deal with their life in the future and it also promotes to attain essential knowledge for further study.
However, we should not ignore the value of practical skills that adolescents are able to learn from school. First and foremost, schools are considered to be a place that encourage students to find their passion and interests to find a job. Since each person is different as well as owning diverse personalities and values, some school kids are unfortunately enable to specify where they are passionate about if educators only offer math or science focused education which is mostly considered to be unfavorable fields. For these reasons, some people (이 글에서는 some people의 의견은 중요하지 않습니다. 그냥 치치님의 생각만 적어주세요~) are of the opinon that it should be promoted to give sufficient number of extra-curricular activities.
To sum up, all the credit is due to deep considered education systems for we have raised top-notch students. However, the key to heighten students’ capability of school work is to find a balance between major subjects and practical education and this could be one of measures to assist them to pass exams.
(310) 시간내에 작성한 후 좀 고쳐보았습니다. 다음엔 날것 그대로 제출해 볼게요
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
특히 논제에서 지금처럼 to what extent do you~, 혹은 비슷한 표현으로 치치님만의 의견을 묻고 있을 경우 서론에서 단순히 '이에 대해 얘기할 것이다' 라고만 적고 끝내는 것이 아니라, 실제 그 의견이 뭔지를 서론에서부터 밝히고 들어가야 합니다. '내가 얘기할 거니까 채점관 너네가 내 의견이 뭔지를 맞춰봐~' 라고 가는 것은 별로 좋은 방법이 아니에요.
그래도 전반적으로는 잘 적어주셨습니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)