▶ Your Answer : Today, more developed countries have increased than the past, but we are still suffering from many problems happening in developing countries, which remains if the rich countries should help the poorer countries or if it is required by the governments of the poor countries. In my view, I definitely believe that the wealthy nations have a responsibility to divide their wealth with others. First of all, we are living in the world called "age of global." That means the economics of the countries which are suffering from hardships can affect other countries which are rich themselves. Korea, having experienced the Korean War in 1950, was one of the poorest countries. We had many aids from wealthier nations and overcame the famine only in for 20 years. Now, Korea is one of the famous countries in the world for helping poorer nations. Since Koreans know that our $1 is different to other countries, we are willing to participate in collecting money for them.<(little unclear) Our small helps can turn out as big results, sometimes we can save others' lives and we know that very well by experiences. However, just because the rich countries have the responsibility to help poorer nations, that does not mean that their own governments do not have any duty to improve their states of economy. Aids from wealthy nations are only temporary solutions for the poor countries. If they really want to fix get the problems over, they should make some policies and have to study something about the countries,<(what do you mean by something?) like Korea, which have already overcome the problems of the poor so that they can apply to their own countries.<(little unclear) And then, finally they will help other countries too. In short, although the wealthy countries are required to share the their wealth to help poorer countries, the poverty would not end poor will not finish if the governments of poor's try to do nothing to conclude the poor problems.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. Clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시고 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |