▶ Your Answer : We can hear to many kinds of music today. Some people believe that music should be required in our lives. In addition there is an opinion if the traditional music in a country is more important than the international's. This essay will give you my opinions through those two topics. <(Introduction에 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 답을 써주셔도 됩니다)
To begin with, the reason why I think the music is necessary to people is we are a humans who have has feelings. Music is easily considered as means to comfort ourselves when we are upset, depressed or happy. To the most of us, especially who are living in the society busily, music can be used to get rid of their stress. The second reason that I think we need music is that it is able to give an opportunity to communicate with the public to the musicians by music as a vehicle. They can deliver their feelings and the messages including their own opinions such as criticism of politics, society and sexism, etc. Thus, music is/(can exist as) a mean for artistic expressions. So there could exist some kind of artistic expression by music.
In addition, it is also important to discuss about our traditional music compared to the international music. I believe that traditional music has more weight than international music. Since the traditional music can only be made by the time when the music was made, <(unclear) there is more rarity in the traditional music. <(Elaborate를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 위 문단과 길이를 조금 더 balance 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, people should need music as long as the musicians have expressed there ideas in their music and as long as the music touches their minds, no matter what their that they feelings are; whether when they are pleased or not unpleased. Also, provided that we do not ignore the importance of the traditional music, music will be with us for ever.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 전체적으로 글 정리가 필요합니다. 특히, spelling/문법에 조금 더 주의 해주시기를 바랍니다. 또한 알맞는 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |