▶ Your Answer :
In Nowadays, many young students leave their hometown for their studies and career. While more and more this trend increases in modern society, some people insist that this trend will give to them numerous ordeals such as emotional empty <(?) and scarcity of money. In my opinion, I strongly regard that through this decision, they can garner many lots of positive points than negative points.
It is partially admitted to claim that people who leave their hometown would be against immeasurable amount of problem in their student life. First of all, to attending school away from one's own hometown would segregate them from their family and friends. in outside of native place they should segregate with their family members and close friends in their old home. While studying and living in a second home without familiar people, they can’t avoid to feel lonely and empty to lonely feeling and empty feeling. In addition, they can’t receive help from their family or best friend when they suddenly fall sick or prepare an ready for exhibition or project that which needs support and participation of people, contrast with local native students. <(contraction은 사용하시지 않는게 좋습니다) Nevertheless, in my opinion, although people who leave their home for their study and career can suffer and endure many troubles, they can attain many good rewards like realize wisdom of the life or knowing how to survive alone survive way without help from friendly members in their life. These fruitions during a discipline period will surely help to their future. For another <(another what?), by many historical research, human’s loneliness can encourage people to be more focus more on their research and inquiry. To be specific, their lonely feeling can lead to them to spend more time and spirit to their studies connected with their major rather than consume their time to enjoy with their nearly friends or family like their teenager time. For these reasons, I regard that this choice's positive side is more bigger than the negative side. A variety of fruition are available to increase students' ability to be stately and good nice adults in society.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 내용은 fair하나 문법에 많이 틀리시고 어색한 표현이 많으십니다. 그렇기 때문에 전체적으로 clarity도 조금 떨어집니다. 문장구조/표현/어순/plurality/시제/Capitalization/spelling/에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 contraction/lots of 는 informal하게 들리기 때문에 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |