▶ Your Answer :
In the job market, more and more old job workers and applicants find it hard to keep remain their job place or find a new job due to by continuing economic downturn. This essay will predict negative results due to this trend before exploring some feasible solutions. It is clear that nowadays companies prefer to hire young applicants rather than old applicants who are over qualified and have heavy career thus require a higher salary pay comparatively. <Need better coherence> This is because individual companies also suffer in serious economic problems. So they want to employ applicants who can work with cheap payments and also have potential to increase their ability in workshop than old applicants. To be specific, in perspective of companies, young workers have more poe point <(?) than old workers because they can understand and adapt in the rapidly changing society trend, and also, although they have a small career and lack of work ability when they enter entry their company, they can increase their ability by their ambition and positive challenge attitude. On the other hand, old workers might not can’t <(formal essay에서는 contraction을 사용하시지 않는게 좋습니다) follow their speed and creative ability by their aging. <(질문을 답해주는 문단이 아닙니다) Nevertheless, in my opinion, this trend should change to our development. Firstly, usually old workers tend to the duty of responsibility for their family such as old parents or children. For example, if they have sick/ill parents, they should have a job for pay to take care of them, and if they have young children, they ought to <(they ought to what?) children needs a great amount of lot of money for their studies in school and academy during childhood.<(run on sentence) However, they don’t have a job, thus they can’t garner money for complete duty by this trend, it is hit to <(?) not only them but their family members can suffer from economic issues. Second of all, actually, old workers may be have a lot of knowledge and skills in their major. So if companies continue ignoring and discriminating old applicants, it might bring numerous disadvantages in the industry development. To For solve these problems, the government should exert greater efforts. First of all, government ought to invest to the program which try to support and educate old workers to be more suitable person in the job market. This effort should encourage them to realize and learn about modern trends and new technologies and techniques in their major. In addition, government should regulate all companies to for stop discriminating old workers or applicants by their age. <(이 내용은 다른 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. Problems와 같은 문단에 오기 때문에 글이 organize가 잘 안되어 보입니다. 한 문단 안에서는 하나의 sub topic을 정해주시면 더 좋습니다)
In conclusion, I think government and companies should exert many efforts to relieve this serious problem, and also old workers should try to not don’t stop the process to increase their productivity and ability in the job market and company.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 답을 답해주셨지만 organization이 많이 lack 합니다. 에세이의 두 번째 문단은 질문을 답해주고 있지 않기 때문에 굳이 필요한 문단이 아닙니다. 질문을 답해주는 문단보다는 discuss을 해주는 문단입 것 같습니다. 또한 세 번째 문단은 너무 많은 내용을 한 문단으로 서술 해주셨습니다. Problems and solutions는 각각 다른 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 읽기도 더 편하고 흐름이 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 문장구조에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 주로 길게 문장을 작성해주시는게 헷갈리게 들립니다. 긴문장을 너무 complex하게 써주시면 오히려 내용 전달이 잘 아됩니다. 간다하고 짧게 써도 내용 전달이 잘 되는 문장이 더 좋습니다. 그렇기 때문에 글정리를 조금 더 해주시고 summarize를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 informal 한 contraction이나 a lot of/lots of 같은 표현은 피해주시는게 좋습니다. 표현에도 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Incomplete하거나 잘못 쓰여진 표현이 일부 있습니다. 수고 하셨습니다! |