In some areas of the US, a ‘Curfew’ is imposed, in which teenagers are
not allowed to be out of doors after a particular time at night unless they are
accompanied by an adult.
What is your opinion about this?
Today,
juvenile crimes are rapidly increasing at an alarming rate. In other words,
teenagers themselves are becoming perpetrators or victims, and this has become
a major social issue. As one of this issue’s solutions, parents make their
children’s
curfew and are encouraging to keep it (논제에서 직접적으로 언급된 것까지는 아니지만, curfew의 주체는 부모님이 아닌, 더 상위의 대상, 예를 들면 지자체입니다.). However, I insist that this coercive
rule can cause side effects, and I will explain my arguments in this essay.
Most of all, there is a possibility that the curfew
will lead teenagers' future to the wrong path. In life, the adolescence is the
first time that teenagers are seriously concerned about their future, and
simultaneously, they compare comparing themselves to others such as friends or neighbour.
Hence, they are mentally immature, it is easy that they are easy to rip their
own heart up. At this time, if their parents (여기도 서론과 마찬가지입니다. 참고로, 주체를 지자체 등으로 특정짓지 말고, 그냥 'curfew가 적용되면' 으로 주체 없이 가시면 돼요.) force to keep a curfew, they
assume that their parents do not trust them. Due to this, some teenagers whose hearts are
ripped their heart up show violent behaviour and make bad friends and sometimes
commit real crimes. A large number of juveniles with these tendencies still
look the same even after they grow up. In fact, many criminals, especially
domestic violence offenders have testified that they still remember the wounds
from their parents in childhood. (------> 여기부터는 새로운 문단으로 넣어주시면 되며, 근거를 추가해주시면 돼요.) Besides, the curfew is a violation of children’s fundamental rights. According to
the UN’s
convention on the rights of the child state, every child has freedom of movement.
In other words, parents do not have any rights to force curfew their children.
In conclusion, the parent’s heart for his child is a very
good thing. However, they should trust and respect their children and encourage
them to follow the rules voluntarily, not force them to.
즐거운 명절 보내세요 ^^
프토레님도 즐거운 명절 보내세요 :)
총평: (5/7/7/7) 6.5
다른 부분은 다 괜찮았는데, 글에서 임의로 '부모님' 을 주체로 설정하는 것은 금물입니다. 논제에는 따로 그러한 전제가 없으며, 문맥상 주체는 지자체이므로 다 수정해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)