▶ Your Answer :
It is common to see a student who has a part-time job in contemporary society. I strongly believe that having part-time jobs has several advantages for students' financial awareness and future lives. Regarding this, this essay will discuss some benefits of having jobs for children and present potential reasons. To begin with, the students having part-time jobs can experience many situations more than the students staying/attending only (in) schools. This experience will help them to overcome various tough situations as they grow up into adults. Working by themselves without their parents' help, they can learn how to deal with many difficult situations <(전 문장과 같은 말을 해주시고 계십니다) as well as can learn the method to decide by themselves. In addition, it is evident that having part-time jobs builds children's appropriate financial awareness. According to the research conducted by Korean National University, it illustrates a the students having jobs have more proper financial awareness more than students who have not worked in childhood. Moreover earning money, students have responsibilities of their college.<(unclear) Working students usually pay their tuition fee with their by the hard-earned money, thus they have strong responsibilities of their studies and college lives. Thus, it can inspire them to be a mature person. Overall, there are many benefits to have jobs for students. For example, it ultimately can help them to have responsibilities as well as proper financial awareness. Therefore, it should be encouraged to students for their future. Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 두 번째 문단의 내용을 조금 더 elaborate 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 주로 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |