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Since the internet was is invented, the society has been improved. Because of this, nowadays we can communicate with people from all around the world and that is beneficial to in organisations. However, this means that there will be a psychological effect on psychologically affection to young children. This essay will discuss the benefits of use the of internet communication technologies and the drawbacks of it. <(질문을 clearly 답해주고 있지 않습니다) Internet communication has several advantages to our society. The first and foremost reason is it provides a real-time exchanging of information. With an instant messaging feature such as emails, it enables people to communicate or exchange information in real time. Secondly, it reduces the communication time within the companies. If whole an entire organisation is waiting for their project to be confirmed by the operational manager, by the time he comes, all employees will have less time to see him. However, by having internet communication technologies, employees do not have to hold their work until confirmation is made because they can simply send the confirmation request via email. Finally, these technologies have made it easier for people to communicate worldwide. Skype, for example, can connect everyone who are geographically segmented countries to interact and share ideas. <(real-time 보다는 no matter where we are 에 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 실시간을 연락을 할수 있다 라고 해주시면 주제가 인터넷의 여러 장점 처럼 들립니다) Despite all these convenience in our communication at work, it has a huge impact on young children psychologically. Since the physical relationship is based on the trust, it is requires continuous time and efforts spending. This is the reason that young children fall into the virtual relationships. Since time and efforts do not require to build a the relationship, it is easier to build the relationship electronically than real world relationship. In the case of bullied students, they can find friends from the internet, getting self-satisfaction. <Need better coherence> Spending too much time on the internet can lead to the addiction and they can have feel the long term depression from not having the same satisfaction level as they were in the virtual world. The inability in the distinction between the reality and virtuality can be the foreseeable results from young children spending too much time with virtual world. This inability in recognition of illusionary vision cause young children to commit crimes in real world. <(이 문단의 내용도 조금 irrelevant하게 들립니다. 아이들이 psychologically affect 되는 이유 보다는 어떻게 사람들이 인터넷 때문에 isolate 괴고 socialize하지 않게 되는지 서술을 해주셨어야합니다. 즉, psychological 에 대한 focus 보다는 socialization에 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 인터넷을 너무 해서 addict되거나 long term depression을 갖게 된다 라고 해주시기 보다는 addiction으로 연결이 될 수 있고 사람을 만나는 것 보다는 집에 있는 시간이나 휴대폰이나 컴퓨터 사용 하는 시간이 더 많다 라고 해주실 수 있습니다. ) In conclusion, the internet enables people’s life to be more conveniently by joining the whole world together. However, due to this, people do not socialize with their physical friends as they rather communicate with virtual friends. Therefore, the internet has prevented the real socialization between people.
Score: 6 Comment: Relevancy에 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용은 fair하나 두 statement과 relevancy가 조금 떨어지게 들립니다. 또한 내용은 조금 더 summarize 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 조금 too explanatory하게 들립니다. 그 외에는 문법에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |