▶ Your Answer :
These days, as food industries develop, people can eat junk food. A growing number of people became prefer to eat more delicious junk food or fatty snack. Some think that junk food cannot impose the tax because they consume the food by their money.<(unclear) However, I think that the government should impose tax on the junk food because they can prevent human’s obesity in advance.
Firstly, to impose tax on junk food can help people’s health. Some people could avoid harmful junk food with tax. For example, if junk foods cost more expensive than well-being/healthy foods, people would could consume healthful well-being foods. This makes obese people go on a diet naturally. Indeed, the American government has implemented this polity and their obesity rate has decreased. America government conducts really this policy and their rate of obesity people get to decrease. If the policy is initiated in the world, most people would not have to cannot worry about their obesity. They can save money to treat obese in advance.<(unclear) Therefore, the government should taking tax from people who consume junk food
Secondly, getting tax can be used more efficient policy.<(unclear) The government gathers money to improve their country by imposing tax. For example, if people give more money on junk food as tax, this can be used to build a hospital or school. It is more beneficial to people because they can refund money to a as more high-quality life condition in the future. Also, the government can use the money to helping poor people. This can help world poverty to be solved. People can experience naturally charity. <(cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Of course, citizens would argue their rights to consume whatever food they want anything. They say that if junk food have more tax, this invades their right to choose anything because food with tax disrupts their choice by their financial condition. However, people can consume more high-quality food by taking tax. The government could support financially junk food stores that pay tax.<(unclear) This helps improve their store’s condition. For example, owners can use more fresh meat, vegetable and oils. It is good for consumers because they can eat more fresh and delicious food which they like.
In conclusion, to impose tax on junk food and fatty snack can prevent people’s obesity in advance. Also, the government can uses the money on another constructive policy or help condition of junk food stores to improve.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 내용은 fair하나 clarity가 떨어지는 부분들이 많습니다. 전체적으로 coherence/cohesion/clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 문장구조/plurality/표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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