안녕하세요.
저번에 첨삭해주셔서 감사합니다.
독학중이라 막막했는데 많은 도움이 된 것 같습니다.
새로운 글 올려봅니다. 감사합니다
Q: More
and more people are moving away from an agricultural background to relocate to
cities in order to look for work.
What
will be the consequences of this? What solution can you offer?
A:
In
these days, an increasing number of people move out from the countryside to the city for seeking in order to seek jobs. This trend will bring about some consequences (참고로, 여기서 겉멋을 부리자면, consequences of most which are negative라고 쓰셔도 됩니다.) and most of them are negative. However, there are a number of solutions
which can prevent these negative effects.
First
of all, the possible consequence of the above trend is unbalanced
population, which can cause economic difficulties. In case of people who
live in the city, it will be more difficult to get a job because of overflowing
number of moved workers. In addition, as agriculture requires lots of
physical labor, moving out trend will lower the productivity and have bad
impacts on local business. Lastly, housing problem is another consequence.
The shortage of accommodation in relation to overpopulation is already a problem
of city and the increasing number of citizens will deteriorate this problem.
However, there There are two effective solutions to tackle these disadvantageous
consequences. One way to tackle the problem is
decentralization policy of government. Relocating government facilities and
organizations can ease the excessive population disparity between two regions. Many
government employees will move out to other regions and people who live outside
of city will move less into city because job diversity in other regions will be
improved. Another key to dealing with the situation is supporting
agricultural regions. Efforts to consume consuming local farm products and proper subsidy
of government will help these regions to recover economic crisis.
In
conclusion, decentralization and proper aids will be effective in dealing with moving-to-city trend by decreasing overpopulation
in city and reviving economy in farming regions. (결론의 경우 비록~에 따른 ~문제점이 있지만, ~를 통해 극복이 가능하다로 적어주시면 됩니다.)
총평: (7/7/7/7) 7.0
이정도면 충분히 괜찮은 글입니다. 결론만 살짝 수정해주시면 되겠고요. 대신 저는 시간 내에 쓰인다는 점을 전제로, 그리고 Task1을 배제한다는 점을 전제로 드리는 말씀이므로 참고해주세요~
task1에서 99%의 학생들이 발목을 잡히기 때문에 이쪽도 따로 챙겨주셔야 합니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)