It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What short of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?
I agree that punishment or disciplinary actions are necessary in order to help children distinguish between wrong and right actions. (여기서 엔터를 한번 더 쳐주시면 됩니다. 문단을 나눌 때에는 엔터를 두 번 쳐주세요!)
I believe that people that had soft parents who didn’t (줄임말은 풀어써주셔야 합니다.) beat them for something they did wrong sometimes grow up to be quite ignorant and selfish people. Therefore, disciplinary actions are necessary in order for children to grow up to be a socially acceptable adult.
However, I strongly disagree with the fact that parents should be able to commit disciplinary actions without the content to fix their child’s behaviour into something a bit (어느정도 구어에 해당하기 때문에, 바꿔주시는 게 좋습니다.) more socially acceptable. This twisted behaviour will not only be ineffective in correcting the child’s behaviour but instead ruin the child’s way of thinking. I believe that enough pressure is necessary for somebody to feel passionate enough to work harder on something however, if too much pressure is applied, it is certain that somebody will eventually break. This is the same with scolding or beating one’s child, and when it gets to the point where the parents perform disciplinary actions without the intent to correct their child to a better direction than they were heading and perform it just because they can, that will no longer be acceptable because those kind of actions will break a child’s mind, often his or her will. (여기의 경우 문장이 너무 길어졌습니다. 다행히도 문법 오류가 없긴 했지만, 보통 문장이 길어지면 문법이든 논리이든 둘 중 하나에서 반드시 문제가 생기니까, 너무 문장이 길어지지 않게 주의해주세요!) Also, even if the actions were performed with good intentions, if not done properly the outcome may be cruel for the child.
For these reasons I agree with the statement to the extent that the parents’ disciplinary actions are for the good of their child.
(6/6/7/7) 6.5
이정도면 준수하게 적어주신 편입니다. 대신, 몇 가지만 더 보완되면 좋을 것 같아요.
1. 서론이 지금과 같이 한 줄로만 끝나기보다는 약간의 msg를 추가해주시면 좋습니다.
2. 또한, 현재 논제가 묻고 있는 질문이 두 개니까 이 질문에 대한 각각의 답을 두 본론에 보다 확실히 나눠서 보여주시면 좋을 것 같아요. 즉, 현재 두 본론의 비율은 조금 조절되어야 합니다
수고하셨습니다 :)