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Artists are everywhere and they are providing entertainment to the public in various ways; literature, film, music and musicals via media. They are appearing on TV, newspaper, magazine and internet. They are living stable by the public’s popularity. Is it true that artists grab more attention than scientists and inventors? <(글쓴이 한테 질문을 물어보는 에세이 에서는 질문을 하는 것보다는 질문을 답해주셔야합니다) (Need better transition) Scientists have contributed so much to society to be more comfortable, more than that of artists. Scientists have improved our standard of living with the development of technologies; light, computers, cars and electricity. Despite those inventions, their work has not getting much of spot light, because of two main reasons. First, the PR agency is not actively working with them. Secondly, scientists do not have the desire to get the public’s attention unlike artists. Artists, on the other hand, have to stay in the news. Despite their work is more of entertainment than improvement of society.<(sentence fragment) However, their work becomes published easily and all PR agencies are actively engaging with artists to help them to stay in the press. Furthermore, the more they are keeping in touch with the press, the more popularity they would get and that is directly related to their sales. For example, the famous authors or movie directors are easily getting their work to be the best sellers or the best movies of the year due to the popularity. In conclusion, scientists and artists are different from its field. The primary aim for scientists are merely experiments, whereas artists are getting popular. Therefore, getting the attention is depends on the needs. Scientists are not required to getting the popularity for their inventions, while artists are required to getting popularity for their survival.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 질문에 대한 답이 clear 하지 않습니다. 결국엔 artists가 더 많은 관심을 받는 것인지 아닌지 잘 모르겠습니다. Introduction에서는 질문을 답해주는 글쓴이의 주장이 없습니다. Body 내용은 결국에는 PR agency 때문에 artists가 더 많은 관심을 받는다 처럼 들립니다. 하지만 conclusion에서는 도 필요성에 따라 관심이 다르다 라고 해주셨습니다. 또한 Body paragraph 1의 topic sentence가 조금 misleading합니다. Attention/popularity/spot light에 관한 주제인데 두 번째 문단에서는 scientists contributed to society than artists 라고 해주셨습니다. 전체적으로 내용 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |