▶ Your Answer :
Music
has been with us since the beginning of human settlement. Nowadays, there is are a
variety of types of music in society, and the reason for the listening varies is vary.
Since the globalisation and the development of technologies, the international
music could be shared. While traditional music holds the story and the history
of country's conventional customs, international music has a the unique
tradition.
Music
has been deeply engaging with our life in daily life and is needed for various reasons. Music can be commonly used to
teach young children to develop linguistic skills. By remembering the lyrics of
the song, children can develop language skills. The music from an early age can
be developed critical thinking skills and creativeness so that they could
remember vocabularies. Music also can be used as a therapy purpose. People
could share their emotions through music to control their emotions. The
classical music could make people to relaxed, whereas the fast-beat music will
be used for the depressed people to feeling excited.
(Need better transition/coherence)
Since
music can tell a the story by the form of lyrics, it could tell directly tell the
story of the song. <Need better cohesion> The traditional music could be have involved with the historic
events. The differences between modern style of music and the traditional
music, are the traditional music contained the problem existed at that time.
That can represent as a particular style and linguistic style of the music. In
the case of the song called, "Hotel California,", which mentions about drug
addiction, drunken American lifestyles, it tells about the status of the US at
that time.
Because
the traditional music existed, the modern music can develop. Since the
traditional music has tried all variety of music styles, it could affect heavily
onto the modern music. <Need better coherence> Due to the globalisation and the development of
technologies, we can easily hear the international music. Every country has
their own unique style of music, because each country has its own unique culture.
For instance, Western music is about independence and powerful human beings
whereas Asian music is about love. By listening to international music, people
can acquire knowledge about other cultures as well as it could be considered as
a good chance in learning another language. <(결국엔 traditional music 보다 international music이 중요하다는 건가요? 문단의 unity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.)
In
conclusion, music is a part of human's daily lifestyles and the usage of music
may vary between people. The music tells the story via use of lyrics, so it can
directly link between people. The traditional music tells the historical part
of country, and the international music tells the multinational cultures.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 두 질문을 답해주시기 보다는 그저 음악이 사용 되는 방법 그리고 traditional and international music에 대해서 설명을 해주신 것 같습니다. Use/usage라는 단어는 어떻게 음악이 사용되고 있는지를 전달해줍니다. 질문은 왜 음악이 필요한지 입니다. 또한 lyrics가 traditional/international music중 어떻게 더 중요한지와 어떤 관련이 있는지 잘 모르겠습니다. 마지막 body 문단의 경우모든 음악은 traditional 음악으로 왔기 때문에 traditional 음악이 더 중요하고 preserve해야한다 라고 말해주실 것 같았지만 갑자기 technology 때문에 international music을 들을 수 있고 이것으로 통해 다른 나라의 문화를 알 수 있다 라고 해주셨기 때문에 결국에 international music이 더 중요한것인지 잘 모르겠씁니다. Word choice 와 질문에 답해주는데에 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용상 coherence/cohesion에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 글 안에 있는 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |