Some people say that the main environmental problem of
our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say
that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both these views
and give your own opinion.
Over the course of technological
advancement, we have faced to lots of environmental problems. I think there are
ecological matters that should be solved before, not more important, than the problem of extinction.
(제가 엔터키 사용을 다시 정리해드렸는데, 앞으로 이렇게 해주시면 됩니다. 문단이 구분되는 경우에 한해서만 두 번 쳐주시고, 나머지는 죄다 스페이스로 이어주세요! 이것도 점수에 들어갑니다.)
The phenomena of animals and plants dying
out is also a serious problem, however, there are more fundamental problems
that are causing the extinction. Such problems result in another problem in the present society present
society problems. Therefore, these problems must be considered first and I disagree
the extinct problem is most important. For example, global warming and land
desolation are the popular reason of the majority of extinctions. These also cause
troubles such as lack of foods or deaths due to extremely hot weather. So (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) these
problems should get solved in advance to resolving for resolving extinction problems.
However, these are not the most fundamental
problems, either. Global warming is mainly resulted by excess emission of
carbon dioxide and the largest reason of land desolation is indiscriminate
cultivation. These are all occurred by human desire, which gave us the vast
progress of science and technique. Therefore, I think that the most precedent
thing to do is changing the human awareness, which is and it is linked to all of
environmental problems. Humans should throw away prevalent greed for comfortable
life and make do efforts to live with the environment.
In summary, the extinction of animal and
plant species is not the first problem. Including extinction, many of
environmental problems are triggered by the fundamental matter, human greed. So
it is the prior thing to make human want to conserve and coexist with another
species.
첨삭 부탁드리겠습니다! 감사합니다 :)
총평: (5/7/7/7) 6.5
일단 지금 글은 부분적으로 오프토픽이긴 한데, 그래도 표현이 깔끔해서 6.5는 벌어갔다는 점이 천만다행입니다.
논제에서 discuss both views~~라고 할 경우 말 그대로 양쪽 입장을 다 다뤄주시면 됩니다. 고로 본론1에는 동/식물의 멸종을, 본론2에는 다른 환경 문제를 다룬 뒤에, 결론에서 내 의견으로 마무리지어주시면 돼요. 다른 수험생분들의 글을 대략 흝어보시면 금방 감을 잡으실 거고, 지금 영어 자체는 크게 문제가 없기 때문에 7점대도 충분히 가능할 겁니다.
수고하셨습니다 :)