Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together
To what extent to do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
These days, some people say that music can get people together even if they are from different cultures and ages. I totally agree with this statement because music does not require an understanding of the lyrics and it breaks the walls among the generations. In this essay, the reasons of the opinion that music can bring people from different environments will be elaborated.(만약에 시간이 부족했다면, 이 문장은 쳐내셔도 됩니다.)
First of all, music is consisted of the melody and the lyrics, but many people listen to music even if they do not know the lyrics. This tendency can be interpreted that even though they cannot understand the meaning of the music, everyone can enjoy the same music. Moreover, it is common that music represents its atmosphere through the beat whether it may be which is fast or slow. For example, if the music which is about happiness is normally bright and has high-pitched tones regardless of the countries, even for the foreigners, they can understand the atmosphere of music and recognize its meaning.
Secondly, music can break the barriers among the generations. In the past, teenagers usually listened to music just for teenagers and older people had their own musics. However, in modern society, many people tried to mix the genre and it reduced the gap fo the generations in various places. For instance, one of my aunts became a big fan of BTS which is the famous K-pop group among the teenagers and youngsters started to listen to the traditional music which is popular among the older people. As a result, in the house, family members can find the similarity that can increase the conversation through the music and it changes the atmosphere of the home.
To sum up, I think music can combine people in different cultures and ages. People from other countries can enjoy together without understanding the meaning of the music and can enjoy through the atmosphere. In addition, music is an effective method to break the barriers between the generations and this can help to improve the connection between family members. (온점을 빼먹지 않도록 주의해주세요!)
총평: 이번 글의 경우는 기존 글도 그럭저럭 괜찮게 쓰인 상황에서의 재작성이라 크게 문제는 없없습니다. 글에 대해 말씀드릴 건 딱히 없고, 대신 잠시 공부 방법에 대해 조언을 드리자면,
바로 밑의 글과 같이 원래 작성했던 글에서 후라이드 vs 양념과 같이 치명적인 문제점이 있는 글이면 재작성하는 게 분명히 도움이 됩니다.
그러나 이번 글과 같이, 기존 글도 괜찮게 쓰였는데 이걸 몇 개만 더 고치고, 나머지 부분은 그대로 필사하는 것은 Dd님 실력 향상에 있어 전혀 도움이 되지 않고, 오히려 다른 영역이나 task1에 투자할 시간이 아까워질 뿐입니다.
물론 저 혼자만의 입장에서는 원래도 괜찮게 쓰였던 글이 거의 그대로 올라올 경우, 손목도 많이 안 써도 되고 정말 편하고 좋습니다만, 학생들에게 이렇게 공부하는 건 권장드리지 않아요. 같은 논제로 쓰더라도 기존 답안을 아예 보지 않고 새로운 글을 만들어내면 모를까, 지금의 방식은 정말 비추입니다. 물론 첨삭은 당연히 다 해드리고, 제 손목 건강만을 생각하면 그냥 지금 그대로 올려주시는 게 훨씬 감사하긴 하지만, 그래도 Dd님의 보다 효율적인 공부, 그리고 빠른 실력 향상을 위해서는 그 시간에 아예 새로운 글을 쓰거나, 다른 영역에 집중하시는 걸 추천드려요.
수고하셨습니다 :)