▶ Your Answer :
As always, many significant issues have diverse
effects. Reducing closeness of family is also an exemption. The issue on that is
increasing compared to with before, and is great consequence that we can look into
the issue more clearly <(little unclear).
There are various reasons to be formed the social
phenomenon that most family separates to each person <(?). In this reason, economic
growth that develops rapidly every year occupy mainly as cause of modern family
changing. From a sudden economic growth, people cannot even have a time to take
rest, and to see their family. Compared with European countries, it is clear that the company structure of Korea do not remarkably offer the opportunity that they can to spend time with family on holidays. These problems obviously should be reformed
as soon as possible. <(문단의 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 두개 이상의 이유를 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다)
The best way<(best way for what?) is to struggle to have the time for socializing/conversing/ doing
conversation together. The length of time is not important. Sharing each stories
pays and plays an important role on identifying one group. <(what do you mean by identifying a group?) This method does not demand
the number of times, enough just once a week is enough. Which will definitely raise
magnificent family than others. <(sentence fragment) By my experience, everything on closeness of
family was made by each member's sustained effort in tough society life. A manifest
thing is the case that a small effort transcends a vast effort happens many
than we expect.<(unclear) <(solutions도 두 개 이상 전달 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
To wrap up, looking at the aforementioned statements,
we can see that diminutive efforts would be able to make a the happy family.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문을 잘 답해주셨습니다. 다만 한개 보다는 두개의 reasons/solutions을 서술 해주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. 전체적으로 coherence/specificity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 문법상 이해가 잘안되는 표현/문구/clause가 조금 있습니다. Clarity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 표현에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다.
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