▶ Your Answer :
The companies need to earn profit in order
to cover their operating and administrative costs. However, they have other
responsibilities to take care of. <(such as?) In This essay will discuss about the
corporation's social responsibilities in detail.
In the past, the corporation only focused
on the financial aspect of responsibilities. The primary purpose for the
corporation to earn profit is to cover for their everyday expenditures as well
as employee salaries. However, as the world becomes globalised, the corporation
has to consider other factors such as social responsibilities. <(introduction에 나올 법 만한 내용입니다. 또한 위 문단과 내용이 크게 다르지 않습니다. 두 문단을 하나의 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
(topic sentence를 왜 social responsibility가 있는지 를 써주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다.)> The structure and the objective of
companies can become complicated since the globalised many globalized multinational
companies are engaging with the social responsibilities. By engaging more with
the public, companies people feel like they have a voice and they may grow the trust in a
certain business. That can be seen as the set-up of a public-image. The public
image is directly linked to the profits. Therefore, currently corporations use
and keep their public images as a marketing strategy.
The corporations might engage in a variety of ways to fulfill their social responsibilities. Their main purpose might be a
positive impact on social and environmental well-being. The common way for the
corporation to fulfill their social responsibilities can be done by engaging
with the local communities. This can be achieved by hiring local people improve
the local economy. <(unclear) The procedure of the Starbucks, for example, hired local candidates compared to other candidates (이 자리에 이 내용이 어떻게 local economy를 improve했는지 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다.). may have affected their brand
image, by hiring the local people prior to other candidates. Further, they can
donate some of their money back to the local community, so that the
corporations can have a business relationship with the local community.
In conclusion, the objective of companies was
maximising shareholder's value in the long term but now they have to address
society's biggest problems. This objective can be achieved by engaging a
partnership with the local community.
Score: 6 Comment: 질문에 대한 reasoning/support가 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 정리를 조금 더 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 introduction을 두 번 써주신 것 같습니다. 문법상 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |