주제: Some people say that the main environmental problem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say that there are more important environmental problems. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
글
Some people believe that the main environmental problem in contemporary society is the loss of certain species of plants and animals. However, others Others argue that there are more important environmental problems.
On the other one hand, some people argue that the loss of certain species of plants and animals is the main problem of environment. All species have each role and they have to interact. However, if certain species are endangered, the ecosystem will be break. Take the example of Asiatic black bears. The number of Asiatic black bears has gradually decreased because their habitats were destroyed by humans. This animal has power to spread the seed so that the forests become dense densely. However, now, it cannot play this role because the number of Asiatic black bears are less.
(제가 문단 배분을 다시 해드렸습니다. 이처럼, 엔터키는 두 번 쳐주세요!)
On the other hand However, others think that there are more important environmental problems such as light pollution and air pollution. These kinds of problems might be a fatal problem to humans because they directly affect people’s health. For example, according to the latest issue in Korea, the micro dust is really sinister thing because we cannot see its form but it obviously attacks our heart, lungs, and blood throughout our nose, eyes, and mouth. People wear a mask to avoid breathing polluted air. And (문장을 and but so로 시작하는 것은 좋지 못합니다.) these used mask trash also becomes an environmental problem in our society.
In conclusion, some people think the main environmental problem is the loss of certain animals and plants, while others think that there are more important problems. I think there are more serious problems than the loss of certain animals and plants because other problems like air pollution can be directly fatal to people and other sequel problems could come out of it.
총평: (7/6/5/6) 6.0
단어만 조금 더 다양하게 사용하셨어도 6.5도 괜찮았을 것 같아서 조금 아쉽긴 합니다. problem 등 몇몇 표현들이 너무 자주 쓰이고 있으며, 이로 인해 글이 다소 단조로운 편입니다. 매 차례 대체할 수는 없겠지만, 그래도 가끔씩은 다른 표현으로 바꿔서 작성해보세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)