▶ Your Answer :
Popular sports events like the FIFA and
Olympics are an ideal way to release the international tension and patriotic
emotions. However, this is no longer being practical because many people cannot
control their the feelings. Sporting games could be used as a tool to
develop the international interaction relationships. Also, the sporting events
could make people to release the patriotic feelings in an appropriate way.
People can only focus on games forgetting about other negative thoughts such as
cultural, national, religious, and political differences during the games. <Need better coherence> Otherwise, their patriotic emotions would be released in a wrong way,
especially in a violent way. (Need better transition) Nowadays, people would have a difficulty to
control their the emotions. This difficulty might be derived from a various factors
as the development of society, is rapidly changing lifestyles and unfairness. Since catching up with these changes busily,
they would not have enough time to look for themselves. <Need better coherence> People may would
express this violent temper onto other people. <(what violent temper?) Because people do not admit the
game results, they release their emotional grudges onto opponent teams by having
a fight. Further, people are getting emotionally
unstable. People react too sensitive to the game results. Because of people are
easily reflecting themselves onto the games, people might get more patriotic
emotions. Because of these reasons, the sporting events, which have been used
as a tool for the development of international relationships, cannot be used. <(문단이 전달하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 clear하지 않습니다.)
In conclusion, international sporting
events can be a great tool to develop the nation's interactions and that can
increase improve the relationships between nations. However, due to the citizens's
emotional dysfunction can be difficult. <(what can be difficult?) Therefore, international sporting event
is not the safest way to release the emotions and allow the nation be the one.
Score: 6 Comment: 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 질문에 대한 답이 fair하다고 생각합니다. 다만 전체적으로 coherence/unity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시고 specificity에도 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. Coherence가 떨어지기 때문에 clarity도 조금 떨어지는 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 조금 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |