▶ Your Answer :
The use of
traditional medicine is popular among Asian countries. Since all treatments are
environmentally friendly, there are no side effects. However, it cannot fully
cure the diseases because it can only use to relieve release the pain. It should be
only used for the mere treatment purposes.
Traditional
medicines are safe because these are derived from nature. Since traditional
medicine does not affect by man-made substances (chemicals and technologies),
these there are no side effects. All man-made products have the side effects. In the
case of any chemical medicines, they face the risk of side effects. In the case of
X-ray technology, it contains the risk of exposing of radioactive frequencies.
However, the
treatment may take a longer time than that of modern medicines. The longer it
takes to cure the diseases, there will be increasing chance of growth of
diseases. Further to this, until fully cure with the illness <(unclear), patients have to
burden the pain despite it does not having the side effects.
Unlike
traditional medicine, modern medicines and medical technologies can cure the
diseases almost immediately. The chemical medicines had been made specifically for
the cure for its purpose. Furthermore, these can even able to diagnose of other
diseases and can prevent for further illness. When Patients consuming vitamin
pills to prevent the a fever, is a great example for this.
(Need better transition)
The modern
medicines are unlimited in resources availability, unlike herbal medicines.
Herbal medicines may grow under a specific condition which could restrict
certain patients who are geographically isolated. Further, the storage of
herbal medicine may require take more protection and money investing, because the
natural medicines depends on temperature. This is not the case does not happen for the modern
medicines.
In conclusion,
herbal medicines are safer to use for humans since those are coming from the
environment. <Need better cohesion> Even though the traditional medicines are safe from side effects,
the treatment and the effect on to the diseases may take longer. <Need better coherence> Due to the availability,
immediate effects and convenient reasons, the modern medicines are better than
the traditional medicine.<(마지막 문장의 내용이 introduction에서도 clear하면 좋을 것 같습니다)
Score: 6 Comment: 에세이의 내용이 좋다고 생각합니다. 다만 다른 에세이들과 같이 coherence/transition/cohesion이 부족합니다. 내용 연결성에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 더 다양한 표현을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |