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You can hear a variety kind of music everywhere these days, and with the development of the devices, it is getting easier than the past, However, just because it is convenient to hear many kinds of music that does not mean that people always prefer to listen to their traditional music more than a globally well known world reknown music.<(여러 음악을 듣는데 그것이 traditional music을 더 선호하는 것은 아니다 라는 점이 어색하게 들립니다) Because of this, the importance of listening conventional music is getting significant so that I will write about this topic if the local music is more important than the famous music the world over. <(주제에 대해서 서술을 해주신다가고 말을 해주시기 보다는 질문에 대한 글쓴이의 답을 주시면 더 좋을 것 같습니다. )
It is very well known that it is considerable to preserve our tradition, especially the invisible things,; like music, is prone to being overlooked by nations, if you are not trying to keep them to remember. But we cannot obligate people to more like the cultural music more than international ones. It has been forgotten by age and age since the young always prefer to keep up with the new and trends, so there is a reason why I want to consider the youngs as a kind of solution to this issue. <(you, we, I라는 표현은 조금 informal하게 들립니다)
In Korean teenage music stars, also known as idols, sing some music which is mixed with by traditional music, and this effort to combine between trendy beats and old songs has happened since the 1990s when the idols started booming. It makes you exposed by traditional music easily even if you preferred to listen to international music before. <(incomplete paragraph. 또한 문단이 전하고자 하는 내용이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다)
In conclusion, although we cannot prevent people from to paying more attention to in world famous music, we are able to make an effort to harmonise between traditional music and international music so that we do not forget the weight of the cultural music forever.
Score: 3.5 Comment: 질문을 잘 답해주고 있지 않습니다. 왜 음악이 필요한지에 대한 답을 해주시지 않았으며 두 번째 질문인 is traditional music more important than international music도 clearly 답해주거나 reasoning/support을 해주지 않았습니다. 오히려 요즘은 어쩔수 없이 트랜드 때문에 억지로 traditional음악을 듣게 할 수는 없고 international 노래가 더 익숙해졌지만 그래도 traditional 음악과 합친 음악들이 있다 라고 해주셨습니다. 이 내용들이 traditional 음악이 왜 더 중요하거나 더 중요하지 않는지를 support 해주지는 않습니다. 내용상 전체적으로 coherence/transition에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |