Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time studying, Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
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Many experts argue whether to start formal education at an early age or spend most of the time playing. However Personally, I believe it is more efficient for children to play at a young age.
From the point of view of studying, it is said that children who start formal education early should start (바로 앞에 같은 표현이 있었기 때문에 대체가 필요합니다. 로빈님 정도 실력이면 충분히 대체가 가능할 거에요.) regular education quickly because they can have an edge over other peers in life. If people start education early at a young age, they can find children's special talents and abilities and set the stage to steadily develop for steadily developing them. According to a study of many famous musicians around the world, most musicians have been educated from an early age and have steadily developed (여기도 바로 위에 같은 표현이 있는 상황이죠.) their musical talents to become world-famous figures.
From a different perspective, other education experts argue that children should spend time playing because they develop more socially while playing with kids children of different ages. When they play and play in each other's roles and spend time together laughing, they are said to be happier and more adaptable to the community than their peers who study other things. According to a survey conducted by the Ministry of Education of the Republic of Korea, students who chose social activities such as play culture instead of regular education are more adaptable to socializing with other children when they enter school. (이 문장과, 윗 문단의 연구는 위에서 했던 말을 표현말 살짝 바꿔서 반복하는 것에 지나지 않기 때문에 크게 의미를 갖지 못합니다. 단, 현재 다른 부분이 깔끔하게 갖춰져있는 상황이라 그냥 두겠습니다.)
In conclusion, while there is a clear advantage that children who start formal education early should spend most of their time studying, in my opinion, it is more effective when young children grow up playing.
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소요시간 45분 걸렸습니다.
결론에 저의 의견을 좀더 구체적으로 써보려고 했는데, 두번째 내용이랑 똑같은내용이 써지더라고요..
그래서 그냥 지웠어요.. 시간도 없고 해서..
마지막줄에 저의 의견을 쓸때 위의 내용 핵심 키워드를 똑같이 써도 괜찮은가요?
Because adapting to a community is one of the most important parts of life. (이문장을 맨 마지막에 추가해서 쓰려고 했습니다.)
항상 첨삭 감사합니다!
-> 상관 없습니다! 물론 아예 새로운 근거를 들면 금상첨화이긴 한데(그게 말 그대로 '내 의견이니까'), 현실적으로 그럴 여유는 없을 거에요~
총평: (6/7/6/7) 6.5
문법이나 전반적인 구조 전개가 깔끔해서 6.5는 받기야 하겠지만, 시간은 조금 아쉬운 요소이며, 또한 반복되는 표현이 꽤 있다는 점도 마이너스가 될 것이므로 이러한 사항에 대해 주의해주세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)
+혹시 Robin님과 audxogud님이 같은 분이시면, 아이디는 하나로 통일하는 걸 추천드립니다!