Salaries of senior management positions are much higher than other works in the same company or organization. To what extend do you agree or disagree?
It is true that most companies or organizations give more salaries to of senior managers than normal workers nowadays. This is because people who are in a have management position have many things like meeting and educating for new employees, and they have to those should communicate between the boss and general workers.
First and foremost, there are too many tasks to do for senior managers owing to the fact that they have to would lead to team members to their goals in the company. Firstly, they should teach employees who work in the firm first time from the beginning steps, and they those would process their meeting with other organizations or companies as well as the owner. What is more, if there is a problem in their firm, they have to deal with this issue. As a result, they have a significant impact on their company.
Furthermore, senior managers play a vital role between company’ owner and ordinary workers. Actually, most workers always do their own works, however, managers should take care of not only their team members but also their boss or owner as well. Moreover, those have to link to other companies relationship and take care of company’s profits. (위에서 하신 말씀입니다+문법의 경우는 those가 아닌 they로 적어주시면 돼요.)
As a consequence, senior managers have many tasks regarding not only individual workers but also for boss and their company. For these reasons, I firmly agree with the above idea that receiving more pay for senior managers should receive more pay than general workers.
내용이 쓰다보니 겹쳐진것같아요..
이건 스터디에서 40분만에 쓰는 연습한다고 글자수가 또 작네요 ㅜㅜ
총평: (5/6/6/6) 6.0
말씀해주신대로 글자수+중복이 어느정도는 문제되는 상황입니다. 본론2의 마지막 문장이 사실상 없는 문장이므로, 글자수가 더 줄어들었기 때문에 꼭 늘릴 수 있어야 합니다. 대신 문법이 그렇게 나쁜 상황은 아니었기 때문에 (이게 제일 중요합니다.) 글자수를 배제하고 보면 6.0은 가능합니다. (물론 글자 때문에 여기서 감점되겠지만요.) 고로 우선은 본론 두 번째 문단 보완에 가장 신경써주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)