Some people do not mind to spend their leisure time with their colleagues while some people prefer to their private life separate from their work like.
Discuss both the views and give your opinion
These days, spending leisure time with whom has been a center of heated discussions. Some people think that people can hang out with their coworkers while others say that work and life should be separated. I think that people can enjoy their extra time with people from the same workplace. In this essay, the reasons of both opinions will be elaborated.
On the one hand, some people never make friends from the workplace in order to protect their private life from the work. This is because workplace itself is a place just for work so that workers (이 문장에서만 벌써 work 관련 단어가 세 번이나 쓰였고, 이후에도 계속 반복되는 상황이므로 중간중간에 대체가 필요합니다.) do not have to reveal their privacy. If they spend time together out of the company, the atmosphere of workplace can be ruined after going out together. To specify, in In the workplace, proper tension among coworkers is needed to improve the productivity. However, if relationship among colleagues becomes closer through some activities such as spending vacation together, they would not be able to concentrate on their tasks.
On the other hand, it is believed that people can make friends regardless of the places they are in. Also, the relationship between coworkers can be maintained after the resignation. This is because the workplace itself is one of the societies that people can make a new relationship (혹은 can make new relationships). Moreover, some people think spending time after work with colleagues can improve productivity since they can understand their personalities and circumstances well. For these reasons, many companies already promote workers to spend time together in the leisure time (여기의 경우도 두 time 중 하나는 대체해주시는 게 좋습니다.).
To sum up, it is quite debatable whether it is bette to spend time with colleagues or protect privacy from the work. Although relationships that are too deep among coworkers can ruin the atmosphere of the workplace, I believe that people can make new friends in their workplaces and it can improve the productivity.
총평: 이번 글의 경우도 굳이 재작성하실 필요는 없었습니다. 기존 글도 괜찮게 쓰인 상황이었기 때문이었죠. a new relationship과 같이 제가 놓친 부분을 다시 수정해드리긴 했으나, 사실 지금 위에 표시된 사항들을 수정한다고 해서 점수가 기하급수학적으로 달라지지는 않습니다.
고로, 원래의 글도 괜찮게 쓰인 상황이면, 1. 굳이 다시 쓰시겠다면 아예 생판 처음부터 내용까지 달리하거나, 2. 그 시간에 task1, 혹은 리딩, 리스닝, 스피킹 공부를 하시는 게 좋습니다!!
수고하셨습니다 :)