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Many children are suffering from being obese. This is due to the lack of exercises and eating unhealthy meals. Some people claim that this should be the responsibility for parents since they can directly influence on children's eating habits. <(부모님들의 탓 이기 보다는 부모님이 해결해야하는 문제 처럼 들립니다) Others believe that, this should be the school's responsibility to train them for the importance of healthy foods and regular exercises. In my perspective, the parents should have be the primary duty for children's obesity. <(질문의 주제는 누가 책임져야하는지 가 아니라 부모님의 탓인지 입니다) The reason for the increase of children's obesity rate is due to the unhealthy diet. Many children are addicted to the stimulative tastes and those are bad for children's health. These are the direct cause for the children to be obese. <(이 내용을 부모님과 연결을 시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다) Some people believe that the school should have the primary responsibility in children's eating habit, however, I believe this is impossible to achieve. Since a school has many a lot of students, it is impossible to check everyone's meal. During the break or after school hours, schools cannot control children's eating habit even if they eat unhealthy foods. <(of no value/ 이 문단의 responsibility 는 책임 처럼 들립니다) In contrast, parents can directly impact on a child's obesity by controlling the money and the preparation for healthy meals. Therefore, it is the parents to blame for the children's obesity. Parents can control for the most of hours, more than school. By simply control over the amount of pocket money or their income, parents can limit the unhealthy consumption. If students do not earn any money from parents or other sources, they cannot buy any snacks. <(coherence가 떨어지는 문단입니다) Also, parents can have the direct influence on children's eating habits by preparing healthy meals. If parents prepare every child's meal, the children's eating preference may change. Children are eating unhealthy foods because they are addicted to the stimulative tastes. These tastes are the direct cause for the obesity of children. Continuously providing the healthy and non-stimulative taste foods, children will change their tastes and will make a habit of seeking for healthy food as a result. <(이 문단도 coherence가 떨어집니다) In conclusion, schools can prevent the children to be obese by control their eating habits, even if that is only limited to school hours. However, parents can directly control children's eating habits by restricting the pocket money and providing healthy foods. Therefore, parents should have be the primary responsibility for children's obesity.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 질문은 누구의 책임이 아니라 누구의 탓인지 물어 보고있습니다. 그리고 그 누구는 부모님들입니다. Responsible/responsibility라는 단어가 누구의 탓을 의미 할 수는 있지만 글쓴이는 누구의 탓 보다는 누구의 책임 으로 사용을 해주셨습니다. 또한 에세이의 문단들의 내용이 조화를 이루고 있지 않습니다. 아이들의 비만 원인을 이야기 해주셨다가 학교는 책임을 질수 없다 라고 해주셨다고 부모님들은 directly impact할수 있다 라고 해주셨다가 부모님이 어떻게 eating habit를 healthy하게 control 할수 있는지 를 서술 해주셨습니다. Organization/unity에 신경을 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 off topic이 되지 않도록 질문에 주제에 조금 더 focus를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |