▶ Your Answer :
Some people
claims that the pharmaceutical research should be conducted by the private
companies due to the financial reasons. However, I believe that this research
should be controlled by governments for the human's life reasons <(?).
The government
can interfere with the private research projects. <Need coherence> The company would see the
research project as the future development such as HIV cure, for example,
whereas the government can see this project as the prejudice of human ethics to
restrict the research. <(이 문단의 본론이 무엇인지 잘 모르겠습니다. 또한 이 문단의 내용은 introduction에 같이 써주셔도 될 것 같습니다)
The research
conducted at the company can be money saving. The reason for this is, if the government has to do the research, it
would do a variety of experiments in order to ensure of the results. Due to this,
the governmental experiments will take longer time than private companies. For
example, when the company is requesting the government about the human effects of on the chemical substances, the government may conduct all necessary tests
ensuring that substance is not toxic. It means the government is taking an
extra time to be ensure the product is safe for humans to use, thus, it can be
considered as an extra protection.
Despite all the
benefits of for private companies, pharmaceutical researches must be controlled by the government, because this research affects the
people's lives. Because private companies have to make a profit, they may be involved in the corruption; the forgery and bribery. For instance, Oxy Reckitt
Benckiser has many products that are commercially available as a cleansing
product. Since cleansing products contains many toxic chemical substances, it
must be controlled by the government. If the Oxy Company had taken the research
under their company, the report will contain be faulty information because they would
only disclose the good part of their report to the government by hiding the bad
results. Oxy Korea did not disclose all the information. <(Need better coherence) Because of this, many
people have has died. Furthermore, the government has the latest technologies so that they companies can try all different approaches. The government has owns a couple
of super computers, which private companies do not have. With the use of a supercomputer, the companies can see the various results for the one particular
chemical substance can be provided.
In conclusion,
although private companies could save money, time and non-government intervention
by conducting pharmaceutical research within the company, the effect of the researches is too fatal to humans. Therefore, this must be controlled by the
government.
Score: 6 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 다만 전체적으로 coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 내용상 글쓴이는 질문의 주제를 agree 하시면 오히려 네 번째 문단 안의 두 내용만 써주셔도 될 것 같습니다. 예를 들어 한 문단은 private companies에 이런 문제가 있기 때문에 위험하고 또 다른 문단은 정부가 가지고 있는 기술이 더 좋다 라고 정리를 해주시면 될 것 같습니다. 지금의 에세이는 네 번째 문단이 제일 길기 때문에 어차피 focus는 정부가 왜 control를 해야하는지 로 가 있습니다. Partly agree를 하시는 것이 아니기 때문에 오히려서 네 번째 문단의 내용만 서술을 해주셔도 괜찮을 것 같습니다. 문법상 단어 형태와 plurality에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |