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With the pre-eminent fruition of human chronicle, people may take advantage of privileged circumstances, which has upgraded the general status quo. However, it is difficult for people to maintain good health. It <(what is it?) is the result of unhealthy food consumption and lack of exercise in modern society. <(coherence에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
One of the most fundamental problem <( what problem?) is too much junk food consumption which provides poor nutrition sources. The more developed a city's economy is, the less time people will have to eat so that people they cannot intake a nutritionally balanced diet. Secondly, due to the lack of exercising in their everyday lifestyle, <(why is this so?) people spend time inclined to participate in indoor activities such as computer games, watching movies and TV. Even some people prefer to communicate with their friends and families on the Internet rather than face to face conversation. Lastly, more and more people cannot afford to care about personal well being because of its expensive cost.<(elaborate) These factors make people have a lacking in nutrition and exercise less exercising, eventually decreasing the health level of the populace will be decreased.
In order to find a way out, we should put into mind the subsequent suggestions. To start with, eating habits are needed to change from fast food to a balanced diet. If people engage in a relatively healthy style, for example, eating more fruits and vegetables and doing more regular exercising, their health condition will be improved. <(how can people eat healthier or exercise more? 예를 들어 물론 운동을 하면 더 건강해지고 average weight가 다시 내려 갈 수 있지만 indoor activities를 택한 사람들을 어떻게 운동하게끔 만들수 있나요? 또는 바쁘기 때문에 패스트 푸드를 먹을 수 없는 사람은 어떻게 건강식을 더 먹을 수 있나요? 예를 들어 fast food restaurant에 healthy meals를 더 추가하거나 campaign이나 학생들 같은 경우 수업을 통해 exercise를 encourage하거나 하게끔 할 수 있습니다) Next, the government can encourages people to do more outdoor activities such as by providing festivals and sports games to make people active. Lastly, public sport facilities should be built more around people to access excess health care programmes easily. To make it simple, this alarming phenomenon is due to many attributing factors, and I suppose that with the mutual efforts coming from the populace and the government, the level of public health can be improved soon.
Score: 6.5 Comment: 잘 서술 해주셨습니다. 주로 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 내용상 specificty에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |