▶ Your Answer :
On the streets Nowadays, it is easily seen that the
majority of the children are obese. The adults are responsible the responsibility for the rise of
obesity in young children. Adults, especially parents, were not caring about
children's eating habits, so it results in children obesity. Since parents can
directly influence on children's eating habits, parents must prepare healthy
meals for their children.
(Need better transition) The majority of children are addicted to
stimulative tastes. The reason for young children being addicted to stimulative tastes
is the parents. Because parents do not provide healthy meals, children have to
eat unhealthy foods. Parents are the primary responsible for children's eating
styles by preparing each meal. so that, children's body becomes healthy. <(문단의 coherence 가 떨어집니다. 또한 elaboration이 더 필요합니다) Many young children do not get proper
meals at home. <Need coherence> Young children are receiving all the drawbacks from adult's
actions. Since many households have unhealthy eating habits, impact on
children's health is seriously. If young children are fed proper meal at home, the
obesity rates will not increase. Now parents must change their eating habit to
healthy for their children. Then So that, the obesity rates among young children are
reduced. (Need better transition) Parents can directly impact on child's
obesity by controlling the money or the preparation for healthy meals. By
simple methods of control over the amount of pocket money or their income,
parents can limit the unhealthy consumption. Because parents spend the most of
the time with children, they can control children's eating habit. <(문단의 coherence가 떨어지며 elaboration도 lack 하고 본론이 clear하지 않습니다)
In conclusion, the main reason for young
children being overweighted is the parent's eating habits. Parent must change the their eating styles first by the preparation of healthy foods to children. Then
parents prepare nutritious foods to children for each meal. As a result of
this, the young children will not be obese.
Score: 5.5 Comment: 에세이 안에 내용들은 fair하나 organization이 잘 안되어 있고 coherence/unity/cohesion/connection/transition이 많이 부족합니다. Outline 형식으로 내용을 정리하고 에세이를 쓰시는 것을 추천합니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 수정이나 코멘트를 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |