Levels of youth crime are increasing rapidly in most cities around the world. What are the reasons for this and suggest some solutions.
In recent years, increasing levels of youth crime around the world has been a heated discussion of the public as well as the government. In this essay, the reasons for this phenomenon and some solutions of this issue will be elaborated.
One of the major reasons for increasing youth crime is because nowadays many teenagers grow up without receiving the attention or care paying attention of their parents. Since their parents do not have enough time because of their heavy workload, teenagers are wandering around the road without any protection. In addition, there are many violent movies and computer games which are not proper to teenagers. Young people usually tend to follow the violence in the movies and mobile games which lead to crime. (여기 관련해서는 총평에서 말씀드리겠습니다.)
To solve this problem, the government and parents should make efforts respectively. The government should limit the age of violent movies or online games strictly. For instance, there are many regulations in the movie theater that people are required to show the staff their ID card to identify the ages. Also, online games which have violent contents should things require several steps for identification to join in. These efforts can lure take young people away from being exposed to these games to be exposed. Moreover, parents should focus on their kids to educate them about the importance of morals and attitudes even they are busy to work. Thus, kids can learn self-awakening not to commit the crime. (이 문단의 경우 순서 조절이 필요합니다. 원인 쪽에서 부모님을 먼저 언급해주셨으므로, 해결책 관련해서도 부모님이 먼저 나오는 게 맞아요.)
To sum up, the rate of crime among teenagers in the world is increasing quickly. There are many reasons such as lack of paying attention of their parents and reckless diffusion of violent media. This problem should be solved by the government and parents' efforts.
총평: (6/6/7/6) 6.5
이정도면 특정 부분에서 크게 문제가 있는 건 아니라 6.5는 충분히 확보될 것이지만, 그래도 내용상 중요 사항에 대해 잠시 말씀드리겠습니다.
원인-해결 유형에서는 원인과 해결책을 100% 꼼꼼하게 대응시키는 것이 중요합니다. 현재 해결책에는 폭력성을 띄는 게임들의 나이 제한을 두는 것을 언급해주셨죠. 이 경우, 원인, 즉 제가 파란색 표시해드린부분에도, '이러한 게임에는 나이 제한이 없기 때문에 청소년들의 자연스러운 접근이 가능한 실태이다.' 라고 적어주시는 게 정확한 대응이 되는 것이죠.
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