Some people believe it is better to raise children in the city, while others consider countryside to be a more suitable choice. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.
Many parents are considering which regions between urban
areas and rural areas they have to rear their children. Although I accept that
raising children in the countryside could be beneficial, I believe that it is
much better for parents to do so raise their offspring in the cities.
To start with, there are two reasons why some people prefer to rear their offspring (굳이 이렇게까지 과하게 동의어에 신경쓰지 않으셔도 됩니다.) in the rural regions. First of all, some parents think, unlike living and growing in the cities, that adolescents can develop their sense of sociality by interacting with their friends in the nature after school and cooperating with neighbors when there are some problems in a village. At the same time, unlike dwelling in the cities that are full of various detrimental pollutions, children residing in the rural provinces do not need worry about suffering from illnesses such as respiratory disease or asthma due to uncontaminated environments.
In spite of advantages of living in the rural areas
mentioned above, I believe that raising children in the metropolitan regions is
a much better choice. It is true that an overwhelming number of educational
institutions are located in the center of the city. For this reason, children
can naturally have a wide range of choices. For instance, children living in
the center of the cities could enroll ballet, clarinet, violin classes, which
are normally impossible for those children who live in the countryside. Moreover,
these days, It has become commonplace that both mom and dad it has become commonplace for both parents to work from 9 to 7. This
means that child care systems like after school class or night kindergarten
services become a must to parents. Hence, it is important to reside in the
cities that are running miscellaneous child care systems for convenience of children
and parents.
By way of conclusion, it seems to me that raising children in the rural provinces has of course many advantages, but there are more advantages when parents raise their children in the cities.
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1. 6.5 가 목표입니다!
2. 10월 10일날 라이팅 꼭 졸업하겠습니다 ㅎㅎ!!
3. 외부도움 없었습니다. 38분정도 소요되었습니다!
* 요 근래 며칠동안 추석 때매 일이 너무 바빠져서 못올렸습니다 ㅠㅠ 죄송합니다. 항상 첨삭해주서셔서 감사합니다 *^^*
파이팅입니다 :)
총평: (7/7/6/7) 7.0
다른 부분은 다 괜찮았는데, 잠시 한 가지만 짚고 넘어가면 좋을 것 같습니다. 단어와 관련해서, 학생들이 패러프레이징을 어디서 많이 들어봤기 때문에 거의 모든 단어를 일일히 바꿔야한다는 강박관념을 가질 때가 많습니다. 그리고 그렇게 하면서 괜히 문맥에 맞지 않는 어휘까지, 일상적으로 쓰지 않는 단어까지 억지로 끌어오면서 글이 되게 인위적으로 변하게 되고요. 물론 양산님의 글이 그정도까지는 아니지만, 그래도 그러한 방향으로 갈 조짐이 어느정도는 보이기 때문에 주의해주세요!
다양한 표현 때문에 그렇게까지 스트레스 받으실 필요 없습니다. 반복이 너무 과하다 싶은 경우에만 제가 따로 말씀드릴게요.
수고하셨습니다 :)