Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together
To what extent do you agree or disagrees with this opinion?
Nowadays, It it is true that music has been wide-spreading regardless of the genre for our society. The environment of music consumption is changing every year and it has been made us easy to approach various music. However, some people think that music is only existing to entertain people and extant to spending leisure time, but I personally consider that music is not only for an entertaining content. (제일 중요한 사항인 bringing people of different cultures and ages together에 대한 내용이 전혀 없습니다. 이 표현, 혹은 이를 패러프레이징한 표현은 꼭 넣어주셔야 해요.)
First of all, these days, there are many methods to approach numerous music, for instance, YouTube Youtube is the one of the well-known websites to search any kinds of music, which it provides plenty of music and people are sharing their culture through the music. This is an astonishing situation that people are having interaction and sharing their thoughts above the music. Even though languages are different, people would feel the similar emotion on the music.
Moreover, music has the power to combine people as one. For example, at Christmas, most of people are willing to listen carols regardless of age disregarding ages and the carols evoke our childhood memories and bring any remarkable memories to speak with people. In addition, the classic music has remained as the most famous genre for ages. It still gives an unforgettable impression to people around the world. Therefore, music indicates no barrier to share with people and no need to describe into words. (In addition 부분부터는 age에 초점이 맞춰지는 게 아니라, 단순히 음악 자체만의 장점에 대해 얘기하고 있기 때문에 좋지 않습니다.)
In conclusion, I firmly believe that music is an optimal means to amalgamate (이런 단어 안 써도 되니까 서론에서 핵심 표현을 넣는 것에 더 집중해주세요~) people. Furthermore, music has not required any capacities to listen, so it is a very accessible method to interconnect with others despite languages or ages.
목표점수: 6.0
총평: (5/7/6/6) 6.0
사실 목표하시는 6.0은 당연히 받는 글이긴 해서 크게 상관이 없긴 하지만, 저는 aabb님께 6.5나 그 이상을 기대하고 있기 때문에 조금 아쉽긴 합니다. 서론과 본론2의 후반부는, 표시해드린대로 각각 내용상 문제가 있으므로 보완해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)