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Driving a car has a definite benefit for travelling and for the convenience. However, this it is difficult to drive in cities because of traffic congestion. <Need better coherence> Therefore, bicycles are the most efficient form of traveling within the cities. <(차에 대해서만 이야기 하시다가 자전거로 theme을 바꾸셨기 때문에 조금 어색하게 들립니다. 주제는 차와 자전거 이기 때문에 주제를 paraphrase 해주실때 이 둘을 같이 해주시면 좋습니다.) A car provides a wide storage space. The drivers can carry heavy packages onto the car trunk. Thus So that, the drivers can plan to take a holiday or can travel at ease. A car is comfortable. By driving a car, the drivers can commute to work on time without getting tired and can reach the destination at a faster rate. <(하나의 문단 처럼 보이지는 않는 문장들입니다. 또한 unity에 조금 더 신경을 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 또한 이 내용이 왜 도시에서 차를 이용하기에 최고의 방법인기 연결을 시켜주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
However, cycling is environmental friendly. It does not harm the environment in any way. It does not produce fossil gasses or release harmful emissions into the air so it can keep the environment greener.
Furthermore, a bicycle has a definite benefit travelling within the city areas. Since the metropolitan areas are suffering from traffic congestion, cyclists/bikers it would be able to reach the destination faster with the cycling. <(한 문단으로 정리를 해주시면 좋을 것 같습니다)
In conclusion, driving can be beneficial for travelling long distances. However, it cannot be disadvantageous to drive for driving around cities because of traffic jams. Travelling by a bike is has not influenced by the road traffic status. Therefore, it is the most efficient transport to travel in the cities.
Score: 5 Comment: 주제를 discuss 해주시기 보다는 장점을 listing 해주 신 것 같습니다. 또한 coherence가 전체적으로 많이 부족합니다. Cohesive device도 조금 더 써주시면 좋을 것 같습니다. 그 외에는 글 안에 있는 코멘트나 수정을 봐주시면 될 것 같습니다. 수고 하셨습니다. |