Some people say that music is a good way of
brining people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you
agree or disagree with this opinion?
Nowadays, all people in the world can share
world global issues, cultures and entertainments. Among them, music is the best means
which can make people together. (다양한 문화와 나이대라는 표현이 빠져있습니다. 이게 반드시 들어가야 해요.)
(제가 나눠드린 것처럼, 문단을 나눌 때에는 엔터키를 두 번 쳐주셔야 합니다. 이것도 점수에 들어가니까 주의해주세요~)
To begin with, human nature which enjoys music is represented over the world. From old times, there has been culture that people
make melody and lyrics based on living a stable life. For example, ancient
songs have been passed down orally and you (2인칭은 구어 축에 속하기 때문에 따로 쓰지 않는 게 좋습니다.) still enjoy the songs. Classical music
is one of the favorite genres by people without a doubt.
On top of that, listening to music doesn’t
need does not require an understanding of to understand languages. Even though songs are written by mother tongue
language, some of people really doesn’t do not (줄임말은 다 풀어주세요~) care about the what lyrics is and just
enjoy melody or mood. In my case, I used to take a break while listening to Japanese
songs. Japanese didn’t bother me at all and I just loved the beat and feeling.
According to globalization, world is becoming one country. We can use same social media and share medical advice to other country and work together by using internet. Music is a best way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. If you are ready to have fun, everybody can join in. (결론이 너무 불필요한 서설과 함께 길어지고 있습니다. 내 주장, 그리고 본론의 근거만 깔끔하게 1줄, 길어도 2줄 내로 요약해주세요~특히 첫 번째 문장은 대표적으로 전혀 필요하지 않습니다.)
총평: (6/5/6/6) 6.0
모든 문단이 다 중요하긴 하지만, 그래도 굳이 중요도를 나누자면 본론>>>>>>>>결론>서론 순이 됩니다. 고로 결론이나 서론에 너무 불필요한 서설까지 추가하면서 늘리지 말고, 최대한 본론에 집중해주세요~
수고하셨습니다 :)