Some people think that public libraries are not necessary whereas others believe that they are essential for people.
In the last twenty-five years, libraries have changed significantly for the better. Those who think that libraries are unnecessary are most likely unaware of the services that a library can provide. People go to libraries for different purposes. For instance, Some some people want to check out books, whereas others only want to read and still others go to study. Public libraries are now multi-purpose public facilities, and they provide many opportunities. Internet such as the Internet, photocopiers, fax, music, DVDs, and so on, storytelling and activities….. (지금과 같이 아련......해지지 않도록 주의해주세요!) and they are free so it is a wonderful place for the community to gather and to find free resources.
First, we can use libraries for free. If we have a membership card, we can borrow books, and use the study room for free. When we have to find information about something, we cannot buy books every time. While the public library has a great deal of books, if we cannot find the book that we need, we can use a computer with free internet Internet. Moreover, we can stay there and relax, rest, and also when we need to go to the washroom, it is free to use.
Secondly, it is one of the best places to study. The atmosphere is orderly and quiet, so it is much easier to concentrate than any other place. Also, the library provides a study room where we can study as a group. For example, when you have to do a project as a group, your (2인칭은 구어에 해당하므로 쓰지 않는다고 보시면 됩니다.) group can borrow a study room so that everyone can talk in a small voice.
Public libraries have many advantages to study, and also to spend time. Most things in public libraries are free because the government operates them, and the library has the best atmosphere to study. Therefore, public libraries are necessary for our life, and most people will undergo uncomfortableness without public libraries.
총평: (6/6/7/7) 6.5
현재 어휘+문법이 매우 깔끔한 상황이기 때문에, 글에 대한 요령만 조금 익혀주시면 충분히 좋은 점수가 가능할 겁니다. 일단 글에서 가장 중요한 문단은 본론이며, 그 뒤에 결론, 서론 순으로 중요도가 나뉘는데, 이때 본론과 나머지 둘 간 중요도 격차는 매우 큽니다. 본론>>>>>>>>>>>>>>결론>서론 정도로 보시면 돼요. 그러나 지금 서론에서는 본론에 들어가야 할 사항들이 서론에 와있는 등, 본론보다 비중이 더 큰 상황이므로 이러한 격차를 해결해주셔야 합니다.
서론을 간추리고 본론을 보강하는 식으로 수정해주세요!
수고하셨습니다 :)